Don't ~
Call For Silence

< Previous Rants from 2009

Steam hates me. My brother gave me a game for Christmas from it... doesn't feel like working. I was going to but Portal to play again... it keeps closing the screen before accepting my payment.
WHAT THE HECK STEAM???

In other news...

My appearance as Ingred in ObScUrE sTuDiOs Reilly's dorm videos is now complete I believe... unless I come back as a red headed Ingred for New Years. ^^ Which I might do. It would sorta rock. I gotta dye my hair. XD I've never been red headed before...
But it was fun!

Mostly it was fun that we made 3 new videos today because I started off the day crappily.
Every morning since I've gotten here I've been woken up. No one lets me sleep till I wake up. Oh no. They wake me up. Why? I dunno.
Today I was woken up and THEN my brother came down to make SURE I was up so my brothers and I could go see The Spirit (I liked it btw, and I want to see it again with Jason when I'm in a better viewing mood)
That's all fine and dandy, right? Well so I get up, a little grumpy, turn on my iPod to calm me down and listen to some rock while I eat my breakfast and do my Sudoku. Fine and dandy but my brother keeps bothering me to take a shower so we can go soon.
Okay fine. I'm done eating, I got down to take a shower.
Little brother's showering.
So I wait.
And at 1:00 I go in to take a shower.
I like to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom when I shower. Movie starts at 1:50. >_> Not like it'll be crowded. No problem.
Turn on the music, take a shower.
About 1:15 I realize my brother's trying to call me from outside the door. Doesn't bother to knock, so I don't bother to hear him, wait till I'm done showering and then turn off the music and ask him if he was calling me.
They're freaking out because it's ALMOST 1:20 and we need to get to the theater.
Whatever. It won't be crowded. I get dressed at my normal pace.
My little brother comes down and starts banging on the door saying that if I'm not up in 5 minutes they'll leave without me. I say "Good god! There'll still be seats" and he just keeps talking, going on about how they're just going to leave without me if I'm not up here and well fine they'll just leave then and I get pissed by turn up the music and ignore him since it's him who made me take my shower so late anyway.
Well by this point I'm in a seriously bad mood. I just want to see this movie then come back home and spend the day alone cleaning my room.
Well they didn't grab money from my mother so they want me to pay for tickets. What the F??
I pay anyway. Watch the movie, like it even though I'm a bit ticked at them the whole way through.

Well afterwards I point out they both owe me $6.50. Well they aren't planning to play me back. They bought me a thing of Dots. That's enough, right?
>_< SERIOUSLY?
(I'm sorry. I'd calmed down. I'm making myself pissy again. T__T sorry)
Well we get back home, I barely say hi to my mom and go on downstairs to where I left my iPod trying to seem like I'm just tired and not unbelievably pissed at the whole day.
I lay on my bed and write a while till I calm down. It's just a chemical imbalance that makes me all cranky and upset like that anyway, so I drink a coke and try to relax.
Calm down enough to start to clean my room.
Will calls. O_O;
I'm barely calm enough to agree to come over to Jonny's to hang out in half an hour, but I do anyway.
Go to the bathroom to make sure it doesn't look like I'm in a horrible mood.
My mom comes down to cheer me up with chocolate. I try to make it look like I'm just fine and ask if I can go.

I go over.
It was all okay.
Ultimately Jackson and Sarah M came over and I got in a great mood. ^^
I gotta get out of the house more often. T__T Sucks I can't stay out in my car anymore because I don't know where else to go and I'm definitly suffocating here. Fresh air. It's important, man.

Anyway. So I'm pretty much good now. I had a lot of fun and I've calmed down.
I'll be fine when I get to see Jason again I think. XD
You always make me happy when I'm down. ^^;
I wish I didn't know that you were working today but not when cause I would have taken you to Jonny's house. >_>

Oh! I wrote some good poems in Jonny's poetry notebook. I rock. XDDD Although now I'll never be able to show them off. >_>
Jonny's a bad judge of his own poetry. His good poems are the ones he thinks suck. He had some really good ones I found when I wandered from the pages he said were okay to read.
(Think I found one about me... made me sad... I want to write a poem like a response to it sort of... even if it wasn't about me I feel like writing it. ^^ It's genius)

Well now I'm drinking my medicinal green tea <3 I'll be cleaning all tomorrow.
Looks like it'll be an all girls party this New Years Eve. And Jason. XD
That's cool with me. ^^ I just have a few things to hope for in the new year, and a small party will be all I need to prepare for it. ^_^

So yeah.
Goodnight!

So today I learned how to jump start a dead car battery... learned some interesting things...
I was surprised to find that I am more paranoid than I'd suspected and I was not grounded for killing the car battery and being stuck in 0 degree temperatures for almost an hour last night. XD
Which, if I think about it, there was nothing I'd done wrong actually... so like... >_> There was no reason for me to freak out? XD Damn. I'm so sorry. V__V

So really I freaked out, got no sleep at ALL last night, and I'm wicked tired, and nothing really came of my worrying. >_>
Wow. Intense.
Actually, I got a new winter jacket and some cute underwear today. XDDD Yup. It's all weirdly good.

So! New Years Eve party is still on. I'll be making some cute invitations tonight and sending them out. It's going to be starting at 8 and running until 1:00 (girls are welcome to spend the night!) and we'll make sushi, otherwise I encourage people to bring a beverage or food item along with them. ^^

Yeah. Don't have much to rant about I'm afraid.
I'm so sorry! I really am! I'll make it up to you, Jason. Q__Q

But that's that!
Off to clip my nails and then make those invitations!

Well Christmas ROCKED! >3 I got all the manga I wanted, I got an iPod Nano (sweeeeeet!!!) Got a bunch of movies (Dark Knight, The Illusionist, and Across the Universe) and some books and a cute shirt. I got Rock Band 2 for Wii, and it's sick <3 I love it so much! Good songs. New songs, so that's the bonus there. ^^ Plus you can create your own characters and dress them up. O__O ... it's a bit like having a video-game Barbie I'm afraid, but I had to have the girlly moment and dress them all up anyway. XDDD

The only problem with today is that I told my mom about the New Years Eve party. I told her that I'm 18, super responsible, and I want to have it so that guys can chill with us till midnight.
She flipped out on me. Apparently it's not okay for a big group of gender diverse friends to all hang out and be perfectly awake and have no alcohol or drugs when it's at her house. So what now? I wanted to have a party so that I could hang out with everyone and now that's just going to be the same as every other year. What changed with I turned 18? Hmm... let's see... I went to college. Where I gained freedom ONLY as long as I was trapped in the state of Washington. Otherwise nothing. What the HECK?!?! Why does this make any sense?
The big PROBLEM is that she's worried about what other people would think but the only excuse she'll give me is the stupid "Because I said so" crap I've put up with the last 18 years and so it makes it sound like she doesn't trust me.
Wait, she obviously doesn't trust me, she's given me a curfew now.
That's just bull. Seriously. I've NEVER had a curfew. I've NEVER been a bad kid. I've NEVER gone against anything she's told me before, but I won't be following her curfew. This is getting ridiculous.
What part of "I'm 18 now" is not making sense? My older brother can stay the same as he was in high school and move slowly if he wants, but I've been ready to stop following their silly rules and live on my own since I was 12. Because of my parents insane nature I had to grow up too fast and now they're trying to reign me back in.
I cannot be the responsible one and the one who isn't trusted at the same time. This is why I've become such a paranoid freak. I know I'm completely mental and I know it's because I can't just stop listening to them.
I hate it. I can't bring myself to do anything about it either. Ugg.

If you weren't here in Flagstaff Jason, I wouldn't be able to wait to go back, and I wouldn't be coming back here for Spring Break. I can't handle it. I HAVE to be on my own to stay sane anymore. I don't even leave the house. That's how bad this has gotten. I don't even go outside unless I'm going somewhere specific.

So tomorrow night I'm just going to stay out as late as I want to. I have to say screw the curfew because I have to learn to deal with all this. It's important to my sanity.

Anyway. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I haven't had any exercise at all, so that's half my problem. I'm making myself sick and it makes me irritable and touchy... I'll get some sleep, be rational, finalize the plans for a much lamer-than-expected New Years Eve party and then I'll send out invitations and wait for Jason to get off work.

Aaaah I feel better after writing that angriness. XDDD Sorry I'm such a crank. I'll be better after I sleep! <3
Goodnight people.
Merry Christmas!

Still have the page under construction. The major differences are going to be on the front page and in the Novels sections. I'm going to be playing around with the look of things, but I've fixed up the novels so they make more sense and I've enlarged the text so it isn't such a pain in the butt to read everything. XD

During the next year all the Short Stories will be posted, although they're pretty much blank at the moment. Poetry is going to get some kind of new formatting I'm sure. I like the poems I've put up there for the most part but I seriously don't like how it looks. It looks cluttered and I'm going to have to work on fixing that. It might all just fix itself when I get a new look to the site, but I may keep this style and fix it up. We'll see.
Guestbook will stay the same mostly. I like having the shoutbox although the guestbook is really the more important part to me. Though no one comes here anyway XD I think all in all this is going to be mostly how the site's going to look for the next year too though... I dunno. I want it to look professional without giving up anything that's important to me. The Wallpapers broke again so I may trash that, although I really loved having it. XD I may trash Icons too, although I really did love those. I have a great wall going there. >_>

Mostly I need to deal with the fact that this page is called SKSuncloudspace. SKSuncloud is no longer my penname, but I can't just be like "KayeSpiveySpace" and smile because things are all better. >_> SKSuncloud still stand for something I believe in, so I could keep it and make people just question my motives for life. XD

The big deal for now is going to be rennovating and getting feedback and then getting more traffic. ^^ Yes. Good luck to me!

Anyway, my party today was a sucess despite nature's best efforts to thwart my plans by sending in the biggest storm we've had here, during Christmas, in years.
I totally stressed myself to the limit and drove out in the storm WAY too many times. I'm sort of extremely exhausted... and disappointed in myself for not being able to wipe the competition in Smash Bros Brawl. >_> That was just ridiculous. I have no idea what was wrong with me, but it was ridiculous.
I had a ton of fun though! =D There was some worry, but everyone got along great and there was no heartstring pulling for the most part! =D Partly that may be thanks to the storm >_> There was some totally clickage between people that I was quite happy about ^_~ Yes indeed!

Anyway... I've confused myself to the max. I guess I don't know what I want anymore. Too much schizophrenia and the like. T__T I'm just going to write a story over the next two days and make myself feel better. That'll work. Writing is a huge outlit for me, and journalling and writing poetry helps some, but engaging myself in the lives of my characters is almost like the serious medication that my brain requires to function properly. I wish editting stories worked the same way, but sadly it does not. So I'll write a story for now and revise Stones to have it done for New Years. ^^ Yes.

Back to confusing myself...
I have a problem... It's one of those problems that you give advice for but do not take advise for. You know?
I dunno. I'm happy. It's just two in the morning and I'm tired. I'm not reverting and I'm not losing it. I just want to rest completely right now. I want to sit around in a tanktop and skirt and be warm enough and write and be totally relaxed. I want it to be okay to fall asleep on the couch with my friends and not feel like I'm responcible for taking them home.
I want to be here, but have my college campus and all it's perks moved here so I can have the best of both worlds. Why doesn't life work like that? All the good and none of the bad?
Not fair. Time moves too annoyingly and the world won't level out the way I want it to.

Anyway! I'm posting pictures tonight. >_> Yes I am. You cannot stop me. XD
But goodnight after that! I'll work on the site and figure out how to make that quote at the top show up for smaller screens than my own.
Love and peace! I'll be sane again soon! <3

So it's snowing like a crazy person outside. O_O
This is both a good and bad thing.
It's wonderful because I adore the snow and it's a wonderland out there, and it's good because I'm totally psyched for all the high schoolers who got to have their first snowday this year!
It's bad because it's trapping me inside until the roads are clear. >_>
I would have liked to go see Jason this evening...
Instead I did pretty much nothing and it's 2:44 in the morning and I have continued to do nothing.
If the snow keeps up I may end up doing nothing for an extended period of time and watching movies because I want to go see Kate tomorrow and then go spend the rest of my day with Jason and possibly teach him how to ice skate <333 but if it keeps snowing all day then I can't do either. Which definitly sucks. T__T; Yes it does.
And my neck hurts. I don't know what I did but it's definitly stiff. <__<

Prior to the snowfall I did a bunch of things! =D
I went back to the high school (didn't I escape that place? *sigh*) and I hung out with my old club for lunch. T^T Go poetry club! I need to write something amazing now...
After that I went down to the FHS gym and watched the ballroom dancing class's final which was basically just the best couples dancing. Will did great! =D
Don't know who won because it wasn't announced by the time we left, but there were definitly some who were more fun to watch than others. ^^
Molly taught me the foxtrot somewhat (it's fairly easy actually ^^) and then Jonny and Ian showed up and we had a lovely little frolic while watching the competition. Everyone asked where Jason was (they mostly said, "Where's Bedsheet?" and I was like "JASON is working. I didn't bring him." Although I'm not sure you were working at that time? T__T I could have brought you. I'm sorry...) Jonny and I tried tango-ing but he's terrible at it and I'm only barely any better so that failed, and Sarah M cut in so I gave up. XD Jonny had to leave for work halfway through so after school let out Ian and I went around and we said Hi to Stearns and Cosper (I'd seen Mrs Baron prior to that ^^) and we said Hi to more people we knew... it was all nostalgic <3

After that I slacked off some. I got a few decorations put up, but I guess I'll get that done tomorrow (today technically) while we're all snowed in...
I sent out invitations to my party and I hope I got them to everyone. Making it look all formal was a pain in the butt and I totally gave myself a headache making it work. T__T My computer is a hater sometimes...
Now it's almost 3am, the snow hasn't let up and I should really go to bed.
I just finished a large cup of green tea. XD Oh well.

I hope I get to see everyone tomorrow! Q__Q I'll try my best to hope for some sunshine but I do really love the snow so much... I'll just snowshoe everywhere I need to go >D
But really. If the roads are terrible then I won't be seeing you, but damn I hope it doesn't turn out that way. T___T

Tra! I'm off to bed now! =D
(No I'm not, I just wanted to say "Tra!" XDD)
But I am off of my blogging-journal-weirdness that has occurred here during the last 15 minutes. XD
I expect you'll all be seeing my face on Reilly's Blog from Obscure Studios sometime soon! Look for me! <33

Tra! again!

Today I went ice skating for like a half an hour because after that we had to catch the bus to Spokane where we'd go to the TGIO party for the Spokane NaNoWriMo group in which I acquired a very nice poster and some candy. ^_^ We didn't really eat at all from when we woke up until we got to the party at 5:30.
The reason we didn't eat is because we didn't wake up until 1:40 and missed going to brunch but still had to make it for skating with Laura at 2:30, so I took a shower and we were ready to go right on time, neither of us thinking about breakfast beforehand.
We woke up at 1:40 rather than around noon like we'd planned because at 8:00 in the morning our neighbors decided to have some sort of coffee party out in the hall. Right outside our room. At eight in the morning. >_> Need I remind you of the sunday curfew that lasts till 10:00???
Well, neither of us went out to tell them to be quiet because we never go to bed until super late and so I'm sure we've kept them up more than once anyway...
But because of that I just put on music and read until 9:30 when they left and I could go back to sleep again. So after going back to sleep we didn't wake up until 1:40. A little annoying I'll admit.
The only reason not to stay awake after they woke us up at 8:00 was that if we'd gotten up then we'd have only had 4 hours of sleep, and that, my friend, is dangerous. XD
Dangerous especially because it is 2:30am right now and we just finished watching X Men 3 and The Pursuit of Happyness and there's no class for any of us tomorrow as it is finals week and I don't have any finals until wednesday. ^_^;

But anyway... that was my day. Sorta incredibly intense actually. I'm not quite exhausted yet. XD

Mostly I keep getting more and more excited about coming home. ^_^-
It's really close now. Before it was months away or weeks away, but now I look up at my calender and there it is! Friday. It's within the borders of this week!
And you know what? It doesn't even matter if it doesn't turn out anything like how I'm expecting it to. I don't even care if it turns out to just be a whole bunch of awkward piled up on top of itself. I'm going home after spending three months away at college way up here in Washington and it's amazing... being able to say that I'm coming home now after handling myself (mostly handling myself... Rachel's parents have been good at roping me into the smothering that they seem quite adept at supplying her T___T Love them but aaaaaagh...) and I feel good about it.
And I'm going to get to have sushi at Hiro's! I'm looking forward to that like nothing else. And I'll get to see all my animals. Q_Q Who I have missed so much!
I'll get to see my family too, and that'll be nice I'm sure. I don't think they'll be ridiculous and clingy and try to smother me. They've been really good actually. As long as I come home with decent grades we'll be good.
Also... no matter what's change or what hasn't changed, I want to see Jason.
Three months spent talking to him every night (almost every night ^_^; ) and now I'll get to hold onto him again...
I figured out an answer to the question he asked me a long time ago, and I wrote it in a notebook somewhere that I'll never be able to find at this point. Basically it said:

More so than touching or not touching, it's knowing that I CAN touch you that's stronger than anything else.

^_^ That can be taken in every sense of the expression. ^_^

SO! Only a few more days, a little bit of studying... I think I'll make it. ^^ I think everything's going to be amazing! =D
OPTIMISM AT IT'S PEAK! =D

So... I'll bring the sunlight with me when I come, okay?
<3

Holy CRUD it's been a long month! XD
No seriously! It's been so long!
50,000 words later and AGAIN I'm asking myself why the heck I do this to myself every year, but I've got a brilliant novel now... really brilliant.
What I think I'll do is maybe take the ending part and weave it in throughout other part of the story. I still want to get rid of that whole section with Raven walking him to Endye's place and that whole bit, but I could make a short story out of that or something and I may reuse some of the dialogue...
Did I mention I FINISHED NANO?? =DDD

Also, I simply have the BEST ending ever. I hate to brag but it's pretty much the most perfect thing anyone's ever written. Yes it is. XD
Okay, that's an exaggeration, but it's good. I had to catch myself from cursing right there it was so good. XD No joke.
If I post it here it'll give away so much... so if you don't mind spoilers or that fact that I've NEVER revised this, look below and FIND MY PERFECT ENDING! =DDD

I never wanted to know what happened to them, because they were like the stained glass window. They were out of my Time and out of my world and I could live the rest of my life comfortably without ever knowing what became of them, but I wished them all the best. Truly I wished that they could all have found peace in the world, but even they didn’t believe they deserved that much. When it came down to it I hoped that they would stay that way forever, with Raven at the grand piano and Kitty throwing out her voice into the very edges of the room and Ansen standing in the candlelight, in a single moment of perfect contentness, and I wished, on rare occasions, that if I happened to live forever, that I could end up with them in that bar again, and this time I would take the drink, and I’d stay until the epilogue came to an end.

It's pretty much just choice, ne?
I'm so proud. T^T So "End" was my last word. Cliche? ... Yes.
Perfect? =D Also a yes! So we're peachy <3333

Anyway, this means that it's only a week and a few days left before I get to come home. T___T Oh my god I want to go home so badly.
I won't even talk about it because I'm DONE WITH NANO AND CELEBRATING SO DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE!

*frolics off*

I washed all my sheets and clothes! =D Everything smells so nice! *frolic*

Now I'm going to go watch Big Fish and twitch for an hour and a half and ice my wrists and figure out who this other person invading my empty dorm is >.>

<3 HUGS AND LOVE FOR ALL! <3

So I totally made it into Boise! ^^
I don't believe I've flown since 2000... at least.
It was incredibly intense. O_O
First of all, the plane was a little tiny thing, I flew Alaska Airlines, which was cool and all, but TINY seats. If it hadn't been only an hour flight I may have not survived. XD
I was absolutely terrified prior to take off... I suspect I may have slight symptoms of GAD, but it all turned out alright, so it's okay. ^^

Once we got up above the clouds it was just amazing...
The earth is just like a lumpy patchwork quilt with all its browns cut off by all the straight lines of roads winding here and there.
And the clouds are like the ghosts of whales floating high above the little people below.
I kept pretending we were racing cars when I could see them. XD
We kept winning. They all failed.

Anyway, I'm in Boise now! Happy Thanksgiving to everyone back home! =D
I believe my parents mentioned something about a salmon and a little pumpkin pie back home for someone who happens to be house sitting for us <3333
(Speaking of which, if I don't answer when you Skype it's because I'm not in the room, but unless I'm showering I'll have my phone, so try calling ^_^ 'kay?)

I hope you're having fun in Flagstaff Cayley, dear! =D
I've heard many a story of you hanging with AJ!!!!! =DDDDD *the thumbs up must be inserted here*
I hope it's what you've been looking forward to! I only regret that I won't be able to see you, but sometime... T_T;

Well, that said, everyone join my Facebook mafia, because I seriously have become addicted. O___O; Just try it. Seriously. Really truly try it. You'd be surprised how addicting it can be. XDDD

<3 Now I'm off to bed! I love you all! =D
(it's only 12:17! T^T What is this? I'm so tired though T___T)

If I keep apologizing forever, someday I'm just going to fall over from exhaustion...
But I am sorry.
I'm sorry for everything I haven't been strong enough to do or say,
I did mean to say it.
Just know that much.

I'm fine now, by the way. ^_^

So much has happened it's like a whirlwind! =D
Actually, not so much maybe. But somehow I like... gained some sort of bizzare stability over the last year, and now I'm back to my natural state of unstableness and it's both refreshing and annoying at the same time,  you know? Like I just don't always know what to do with myself. XDDD What is this insanity? O__O It's Tamaki-kun's curse! Aaaaah! What hast thou donest to meeeeee???

Ah haha! Tangently- Jubei-sempai is freakin old enough to drink! O_< I guessed 20 at the oldest but I didn't think he was REALLY an old fogey! >_> Geez. The things we learn on rainy days...
It rained today, btw. ^_^ It was totally snowing a little yesterday, but then it's just too warm. T___T So it's foggy and rainy to make up for it.
Which I really don't mind! I hate being all wet and cold, but I adore the weather and even jumped in an adorable little puddle before realizing what a bad idea that was. XD

Well Thursday we had an interesting day. Campus wide power-outage for about an hour and twenty minutes. The fire alarms in our building went off at least 5 times (apparently SOMEWHERE there was a real fire because we totally overheard something we weren't supposed to >.>) and other buildings have been having problems too. The whole deal is rather bizzare. There've been more emergency personel around since then but nobody is saying anything. >_> Which is irritating. They should at least have a really lame cop-out explaination. *sigh*
Also, Rachel and I did not find the entrance to the lair of the mole-people, although we searched fairly hard. >_<
Turns out they use a seperate generator from the school since their power didn't go out when ours did (we could see it through the man-hole!!) so I guess that means their entrance is farther away from the school?
We'll discover it someday! >D

I finally saw Iron Man! I suspect the comic book had quite a seperate enemy... not infidels and what not, but it was a good movie. ^^ It was definitly worth seeing! I wish I'd seen it in theaters now that I got to see it on the small (17") screen.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
Oh. I think I've totally got a love of old people.
Creepy? Maybe. But I got to meet Rachel's grandmother today, and she may be crazy like they said, but mostly she's just freakin OLD.
Her house has all the cool old-person antiques though and I felt completely chill around her. It was really nice. ^^
Old people just have so many stories and they're so loving because they totally wish they were as young as you, but they're also all "wisened" and it's sorta really cool. ^_^; I've spent a lot of time around old people maybe. That's probably it. T___T;

Also I would like some good socks for Christmas. >_< No more of the fluffy kind you wear indoors, I have plenty of those. All my wearing-with-shoes socks are old though, and I've been wearing through them SO fast. T___T Just some cute ones that are simple and that need to be rolled down... with thicker souls maybe even... and sorta warm but like... a good sock...
That's what I want. *nod*
I gotta remember to send my mother my Christmas list. >_> She's been asking for a while now.

Over the course of NaNoWriMo I've invented a wild assortment of words that it turns out do not exist (thus the "invented") Like "syncrasy" for example. "Idiosyncrasy" is a word, but I didn't need the "idio" part, so I left it out. Turns out that does not fly with Websters. *shrug* Oh well. Shakespeare made up words too, so I think I'm good. XD They're all totally necessary. O_O "Altoic" was another one. More words should be words anyway. <_< Spell check just hates me a little because of this story.
It's all Kitty and Raven's faults....
Okay no. It's Tosharo's fault and it's mine for not being able to come up with the terms he's explaining XDDDD
Damn pictographic imagination >_>

I could have been poetic with this entry. =D~
I was not.
I'm sorry! O___O I blame Tamaki-kun!!!!
Ouran High School Host Club is so bizzare and amazing. <3 It makes my heart flutter just a bit. I'd forgotten how hysterical it is. ^_^
I think Tamaki is my idol. T___T I hope I ran my clubs in high school with his gusto. If I was even a fraction as bizzare then I can die in peace. T^T

Also? Satoshi and Daisuke? Totally Canon. It's okay ladies. You can drool. <3
But COME ON??? Satoshi and RISA???? Who thought that THAT would fly? Um. No. Ew. >_> I see WHY it makes sense, I see HOW it can work, but please don't go breakin' my heart again Yukiru Sugisaki-sama!!!! T^T

So now that Desperado has played a grand total of 12 times over and over again, I'm going to go add it to my Myspace and then I'll strategically glance at the clock and notice that it's well after 4:00am (gozen yon ji desu!!!) and then I'll go to bed! <3

It's okay that you didn't call tonight Jason, because I have been having a love affair with the boys of Ouran and I hope you were having a ton of fun! *waves a hankerchief after you* (Rachel's right, why IS it always a hankerchief? Where are people getting all these hankerchiefs?! I want one!!)
If you're totally stoned or hung over tomorrow though remember to grab some cover-up or something because I want to see you on Sky~pe! <33
Another good reason for me to get some sleep, ne? XD So I don't look like Just-Woke-Up crap. XDDD

Okay! Love and PEACE free world! >_<
Those of you who are enslaved; only love for you! <33

Goodniiiiiight! <333

So I do believe that I'm the victim of classical conditioning. ^^
This occurs to me because anytime after 9:00pm if I hear anything vibrating my heartbeat speeds up and I reach for my phone. XDD
This couldn't possibly be because someone calls me and I get to talk to him every night. <3 Yeah. Silly. XD Stupid cellphone always on vibrate. Makes me jump when I hear it buzzing.

Anyway. ^__^;; My silliness aside, NaNoWriMo has started! =D I've got my first day's word count in the bag and no sweat off my back! Except the sweat from working out today. The gym was really nice. I think I'll have to go back again tomorrow ^^
It's good for the brain to get some exercise since I sit around writing so much. Probably be good for the brain to get ahead on my homework too, but what can you do? Ne? ^^

Anyway, I guess I won't be writing many a rant here this month due to all this, so I just wanted to send out a wave (and to let you know all about the way I respond to late-night phones ringing XD) before I get totally engrossed in the most amazing story ever written (I hope) <3

I'm not sure what I intended to write... I know I had something, but it's gone now, so I'll post a picture and then I'll leave you, and if I don't see you sooner, look for me in December <333

haha! I totally look terrible from behind T___T At least you can't see up my skirt XD (twas the purpose of my bag, BTW <3 Sorry! =D )

Just a reminder, I am now an hour behind both Flagstaff and Colorado! =D Happy hunting to you! <3 Much love!

Hahahaha! <333
What kind of guy actually calls back? >3 Seriously! XD
You're so adorable!
The hamster song was nothing, you calling me back completely made my night <333
You silly XD
If you hadn't I wouldn't have been able to sleep and would have ended up calling you back around 3am to apologize for being mad at you T__T
You're amazing.
Nope nope! That was incredible! You win. Points for you. I love you I love you I love you! <333

But apart from having the most perfect boyfriend in the world, I also have possibly aced my Japanese mid-term, I got an A on my psychology test, and have a vaguely concrete idea of where I'm going with my Term paper! <3 Life's pretty fabulous all in all. ^^ Must be because All Hallow's Eve is arriving! <333 My favorite holiday fer shiz. <3
Although maybe it'll switch back to Christmas this year <3
Still loving Halloween! O_O I'm going to look so adorable...
Although I never did go looking for black briefs to wear under the skirt so I may have to go with the only briefs I have... which are grey. That's not BAD, but it'll be a tad-bit obvious I'm afraid. T___T;
Better than nothing though. XD Definitly better than nothing.

NaNoWriMo will be starting soon too! =O I hope the link below still works, because starting this coming Saturday there will be pretty much NO posting HERE and you'll have to follow me through that link down there to see how much I'm slacking at school. XDD
(It was a brilliant plan to come INTO November with all As though, so I CAN slack a little and now kill myself too much...) I will be writing a ten-page term paper as well as my 50,000 word novel. XDD
I am on a quest to find the voices of my characters... because that is fairly important to me to be able to hear them. Like... I hear them in my head, but it's sorta like white noise. >_> I needed visual voices. You know? I should post who I've got here:

Kitty sounds a LITTLE like Martina McBride, only her voice is more like a reverberation... does that make sense? That's how I think of it.
Tosharo sounds like Brandon Heat's Japanese voice actor XD (go just past the opening song to hear)
Raven I'm still not settled upon...maybe like Dark's japanese voice actor. T__T Maybe....
Ansen sounds a bit like the singer in The Used although he doesn't sing XD

Anyway! That's all for now then! <3 Jaa-matta!

Acka Acka Acka! >_<
Everyone's a critic.
XD

Okay, so the ONE thing stressing me out above all else in the world is plagiarism and it's context in colleges.
I totally understand what a problem it is for people to be copying other people's works. That's just not right. And it's even more not right for people to go and copy and paste their entire term papers straight from the internet. That just sucks an all.
But WHAT THE HECK? My psychology paper is going to be put into a machine to see if "any of it's been plagiarised" What the heck? I know how those machines work. If more than 3 words line up with ANYTHING anywhere else on the internet (or in a book, etc) then I could potentially be expelled from the school!
I do NOT plagiarise my papers. I DO however read the information from the site and go back and type in the important things from it into my paper. And although I don't word things the same way, I am stating the SAME information that the author wrote. Obviously. I mean, if I just knew it all then that would be totally different after all >_>

See, the thing with this is that not all ideas that copy another idea are plagiarised. In fact, there are plenty that are completely unaware of one another.
It's happened to me at LEAST 3 times that someone else and I have written either about the same subject or nearly the same lines or things of that nature either at the same time or without being aware of one another. It's sorta ridiculous.
You can't check for that sort of thing, but I could seriously be expelled for having the same idea as someone else and not giving them credit just because I had no idea they existed.
That bothers me.
I'll be SO much calmer after I find out whether my paper passed or not.
I cited my sources. I did a crap job of it, but I cited them. >_>

Anyway, that put me in a bad mood today. T_T I'm afraid.
I ended up writing a fairly anti-society poem during psychology lecture. I'm not sure if it's GOOD. I don't think it's a good poem... but I'll post it. ^^;
Just keep in mind that I was angry when I wrote it.
I had no reason to be angry yet either. T___T; This is just how I cope with my paranoia. I write poems and hope for the best.
I wish I were like other people and could just freakin RELAX and expect that que sera sera like other people can. I just can't bring myself to do that... I never really have. I alway seem to see myself as the one at fault no matter what and I can't handle not knowing exactly what's going on and what the outcome will be.
Maybe that's why people think I'm nice. It's because I continually think I'm a horrible person and so I keep trying so hard to be nice and good whereas everyone else is just chill. Ugg...
Depending upon whether you're a spiritualist, a scientist, or a psychologist, I guess all this could be caused by my being an Earth elemental, Type A, or paranoid. XD I think it's all of them... That and somehow I convinced myself to grow up too fast. I decided to be independent too early in life, and although I could still be counted as dependent, I'm pretty good at getting done what needs to get done if no one tells me to do it.
XD I think I'd be manic and OCD if I hadn't been brought up strictly and if I didn't have such a strong sense of morals and common sense. *pride boost*
XD

Good thing I like to write. If I didn't have a way to relieve stress effectively I would totally be an explosive little danger to myself and society. T___T;

Beyond that! What else... what else...
I sorta just vented out everything that's freaking me out right now I think.
I'm excited about Raven speaking French. Le Français est une langue si sexy. Il vous incite à vouloir se trouver avec votre dos contre un mur. Haha!
Thank your god for babel fish though... because without it I would totally not be able to incorporate half as much french as I plan to. ^^; All the lines Jason gives me are too cute or silly for me to use in the story's context <3 Though I've appriciated all of them so far. ^^

T____T OMG. Now Unexpected Song just came on.... I have it up on my profile for Myspace, but it's such a ridiculously romantic song... I fell in love with it instantly. ^^ I'm gonna find a link. >_> It's pretty much exactly what I want to say to you, Jason. <3 Yes. That's my musical response to you being the most romantic man the world has ever seen <3

What else?
NaNo kick off party tomorrow (24th) in Spokane and Rachel and I are going. I'm totally excited about it. And completely nervous. XD
All the NaNo parties I've been to so far have been with Chelle, and now I'm going to be so nervous. T_T; Oh well. Baby steps. I could really write something good this year if I put my mind to it. ^^ So far all that I've written I've ended up scrapping... so we'll see! =D

And then there's the apple festival thing going on this weekend that I'm going to. Yeah. With Rachel and her family. Should be fun! I do like apples. They make me all nostalgic. We used to have apple trees and we used to pick an apple to eat on the way to and from school and we'd make apple pies and all that. Good times. Fresh apple juice. ^^ Aww. I do miss my childhood in Colorado. XD
This festival should be pretty fun, you know? I just have to wake up early, and I'm not looking forward to that one. XD

Okay, well now I feel quite relaxed and happy! =D
I need to go retake a few online quizzes and then I have to write my paper on my documentary and I'll be golden!

Love, hugs, goodluck, goodnight, sleep well, sweet dreams,
If you dream, avoid giant man-eating spiders unless you are carrying a large sword and are a woman! =D
<3

Someone new took over my brain again. XD It's so weird when you realize that there's someone new controlling the patterns of your thoughts.
At least I'm not depressed! >_< Not at all. Which is good. I hate the depressed personalities.

I am in worry-mode...
But also, I'm totally wishing I could get thrown up against a wall and it's sorta silly and intense. XD
That's not the personality's fault. That's just me... realizing just how far away I am. Really wishing my dreams weren't so vivid, because my lips aren't touching the lips I can imagine and it's becoming an issue between body and mind. XD You know?
But the weeks keep passing... and it's good.

It's good and it's bad.
What's wrong with time? It just keeps going and going. There's no time for EVERYTHING, but there's so much to do and then it gets crazy...
It's another reason I like writing. When it's written it can happen in exactly the right about of time. And it can happen again and again.
I can keep reading those words again and again and I don't worry about you so much.
I just don't want to continue to see you walking away down that dark hallway and to be too far away to be able to run after you and hold you and call you back.
I just have to keep hoping I'm bright enough a light that maybe you won't get lost as  you keep walking farther and farther.
But there's only a month left before I get to run after you, so that makes me smile ^^

I'll write without censoring my next few lines maybe...

It's so dark and the pulse is vibrating against my ears. I'm not sure I understand anything, and the understanding that was there before is slipping away faster and faster. I'm losing my mind and I can't keep finding it this same way. I need to touch base with the words that are slipping out my ears. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes and I feel like I need to dance about bizzarely in a crazy fashion just to let everything out but it's so safe here. There's no danger at all in this entire world surrounding me right now and it's so safe I'm feeling suffocated. I can't even bring myself to walk away without knowing exactly where this or that will lead me and I'm falling now. Where was all this worry coming from anyway?
You probably never knew how much you saved me. I'd lost several things that I wouldn't want to admit to, and I was losing it all over again.
You've always been the white knight, the angel of my dreams and there you were standing in the sun where I couldn't see. All this time I was the one in the shade, wasn't I? I was the sunshine that couldn't get out of the shadow and you were the shadow basking in the sun.
Don't make me feel like I'm proposing, but if we make it, I want to be there for you. If life is perfect, and it can be perfect. I've seen it be perfect... maybe someday we could share an apartment or something. Just so I could be there with you and not have to miss you again. To have something to come home to...
I'm being silly now.
Okay.... the censor's turned back on.

I have to come up with this story I'm afraid.
And I have to keep following the sunlit path.

Everyday you're dragging me down into a deeper state of love...
And I'm not resisting.
I'm not resisting anything.

Ok.
Oyasuminasai!

So tell me, what the HELL kind of ventilation pipes CLANG rhythmatically at 6:30 in the morning? Hmm?
They can't just put this off on "That's what they do when the heaters turn on"
Because it was freakin' chinese water torture
For fifteen minutes.
O__________________O
I cannot stress this to you enough.

I had a good dream though. ^^
I dreamed that NAU came here to play, so I walked down to the park where Montana State was at the other day, and I walked around and all the people I saw there were people from the Reel Big Fish concert XD
Like, I stopped and hugged Jesse and talked to Jake and there were a few people around and we all talked about how Jonny was overworking himself and should have come,
And then I explained to them that I was looking for Jason and they were like "... ... Oh."
XD But then I saw him standing like... 20 yards away and it made me smile <3

Anyway! Back to the real world! =O
I turned in my absentee ballot yesterday! =D My vote won't matter, but it WILL be counted! XDDD
I did all this while there were people standing around trying to influence my vote, so I didn't mark in my presidential vote till they'd left... >.>
I would like to know though...
Everyone's like "Well, Obama's the lesser of two evils." and we say that sort of thing EVERY election...
But why the heck do we always have to be choosing the lesser of two evils? Why can't there ever be some person who is TOTALLY set for the job and going to make a difference and all around great?
Our system is messed up.
It really is.
I should have done a write-in on who I really wanted for President, but then even less of my vote would have counted, so you just can't do that. XD

So on lighter ground... it has to be Ami. She's your most recent female contact, Mr. XD
It's okay. She's cute. ^^ I forgive you! <3

Oh, and for NaNo, I may be switching my story back over to Rainstorms. Q___Q I didn't actually decide last night because we started watching Eddie Izzard (lemme link that name to a video... I'll link the supermarket one there and then I'll link Pavlov's Cats here) He's very funny. ^^ I may just really enjoy British humor, but I laughed hysterically through almost the whole thing, gave myself hiccups, and then was totally hyper. XDDD <3
Back on subject now, I think I know Kitty, Tosharo, Raven, and Ansen better than I know Natalie or anyone from her story, so I may switch back and take over the bar. Q__Q; Gives me less time for planning, but it should still work out. I'll get it. It just takes planning the deep parts out. ^^ Raven can start spinning Tosharo around any time I'm prepared =D

I guess that'll be all for now. There's too much stuff (say that with a lisp, mind you) to do... I gotta get going to class. XD

Hugs and the like! <3

Okay, so somebody explain to me the reasoning behind the fact that ALL throughout my single life I never even really had guys flirting with me (creeps don't count) and now that I'm taken I just keep getting guys giving me their numbers? What the heck is this? >_O Have I changed at all? Because I dress the same and I'm still not wearing make-up and all that.
It's weird, dude. XD And they are not so suave.
They're like "Maaaaaaybe we should trade numbers so we can call each other incase we have homework questions!"
And I go along with it. XD
So now I have Jubei's number. ^^;
To go with Morgan's...
Although Morgan's starting to creep me out. I know he's just being friendly, but now he's convincing me to go to the Marching Band tournament with him this weekend, which I realize I was really the one who suggested it, but honestly. >_O This weekend Rachel and I are going shopping so I have to find time to explain this to him... gotta find him again. <_< So far he just appears out of the woodwork.
Jubei's really better looking, quieter, and less forth-right. So I perfer him.
And I perfer Jason to both so we're all good here. ^^

I have a butt-load of homework. T__T *sigh*

I shouldn't have put all this stuff off, because now I'm like "GAH!"

And my computer's being a royal donkey. T__T I'm sorry.

Learning a lot about John B Watson though. ^^ I'm sorta interested in him even though he definitly traumatized the poor baby... still seems it was rather important to psychology's history, so what can you do? ^^ He's a psychological behaviorist and a methodological one at that. >_O It's weird crap.
I just wish I didn't have to do this paper on him...

I've been working on my story for NaNo and I've reverted back to my original opening with the house getting TPed. >_> Again. For the second time. Reverting back.
What this proves is that I'm just a genius and need to stop second guessing myself XD
So I've got a potential for the conflict of the story that I'd never actually thought about... like... the fact that all these high schoolers are hanging around with a 25 year old woman? Maybe some pedophilia claims and abuse and the like. It would make the story darker... but I could have fun with that ^^
So there we go!

The story is now psuedo-offically about Natalie J. Shepherd and her life after sorrow, struggling through writer's block and depression and being helped by these teenagers and their problems. ^^ Yes. Quite basically.

Now I'd like you to know that although I did not complete ALL of my homework, I completed all the stuff DUE tomorrow, so I'm good. ^^ I'll just panic more tomorrow. XD

Now I do believe we should be watching some Doctor Who, ne? =D~~
That man is delicious >.>

There's a lot going on in the world of Spivey suddenly! =D
I'm a master at figuring out bizzare and catchy tunes and where they came from. I've figured out how to potentially make my camera compatible with my computer, and I'm pretty much the luckiest girl I know. ^^ It's true. The eternal optimism really paid off or something. XD It's hard to get over how well the world's working out. ^^

Maybe I'm just bubbly from getting so much sleep XD

It's already October. V__V I can't decide if the days are flying by or dragging on, but it feels like I want it to be November already, but I also want September back. Time moves so fast... life may be long, but it moves so quickly that you have to lose everything before you have a strong hold upon it. October feels so much like the month I've been waiting for at the same time.
It's like... THIS is the month to let go of all the things I've wanted to let go of, and to take a strong hold on the future. I know what I want my tomorrow to look like now, and if I have to walk all the way back to keep it, I think I'm willing to do that now.
I feel myself being willing to work hard toward what I want, and you've become one of the things I don't want to lose. So I'll work hard. I'll work hard, and I'll try again to be published
Before next October hits.

Wow, that was deep. XD
But that's really it.
I'm sending off two letters today if I can get the stamps, so check your mailboxes by Tuesday.

I'm done playing the challenger, because whether the battle's done or not, it's time I picked up the sword and became a warrior.
So Sapphire? I'm not going to fight you anymore.
I just want you to know that.
I won't fight in your war.

I'm still here for you though. ^^

So love and hugs!
<3

So I seem to be very good at making new friends! Should I be nervous that most of the people I've been getting along with are guys? XD
Because I totally made another attractive male friend in my Japanese class. V___V;
A month or so ago this would be a total bonus for me that I'm getting along with such gorgeous guys, but now it just makes me wish Jason was around.
Because you never know with cute guys, you know? They might be just being your friend, or they might expect more than friendship, and I really really like having guy friends around, but it makes me nervous >_> I miss all my guy friends being like Jonny and Will because then I've known them and it's all peachy. XD

Speaking of guys, sure haven't heard from Jason in a while. My mind is saying that this is how I'd always thought it would be; going weeks without hearing anything from him,
But I'd gotten so used to talking to him every night, so it does make me worry.
Especially since the last time we spoke we left it off with us both sorta really sad...
So unless you haven't been calling because by some miracle you're in transit and coming to see me... please call. Your phone just keeps ringing when I call you...

That and now I keep dreaming about you...
But last night you were so stoned in the dream. >_O
Like... it was terribly weird.
I was at a party and I saw you and my heart stopped for a second while I determined it was really you
And then I went over and hugged you, and you said something strange to me
And then you wandered off and John (yes Platt. >_O that's what was so weird, ne?) came over and was like "Damn is he stoned!"
Yeah.
STOP MAKING ME DREAM ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME WORRY!!
>_<

XD
Anyway... Moving on.

NaNoWriMo opened up early this year. ^^ It's so the crash can come earlier, although I think they've probably fixed themselves up well enough that people aren't going to crash their engines AGAIN this year >_O After 10 years. But if we get over a billion it could still happen. ^^
I'm so excited. I'll definitly be going for As The Sun Begins To Rise as my story, so I have to work carefully through it and really map it out this year. I'll make a flow chart so I don't just ramble like I did for last year's story. V__V; That one could still use some major adding to >_O Maybe I'll write the end of that one sometime soon XD
Anyway, I posted a link to my NaNoWriMo page at the bottom here and it'll stay there until December 1st! =D So it's easy to check up on my word count and the like ^^

There's a blood donation on the 1st! As I'm O- I feel really obligated to go... but I did get so sick from the last time. I'll have to be careful...
That's tomorrow, huh? XD Damn. *drinks water*
Maybe I should wait for the next one? V____V I'm still a little scared to do it again... I was so weak for so long afterwards and this time there's no one to offer me a ride home (because now I know better than to turn one down XD)
Yeah. I'll wait unless Rachel's going to go with me...

I did learn how to use my webcam! And I put a short video up on myspace of just me saying Hi to the Flagstaffians... ^^; And Cayley was implied. >_> It was very embarrassing to do so it's very short.

Rachel and I have been watching Doctor Who! =D~ The second season because David Tennant is so gorgeous and Rose is the best of all the girl characters. V__V I may need his face on my wall... The Doctor's. <3 And as long as I'm posting images, here's one with Jack and Martha in it! =D CLICK! And then the Tardis for good measure >.> Okay. We're done here.

I'm totally catching up to you Cayley >33 The learning is so incredibly fast in this Japanese 101 class >_O I could know enough to speak fluently if I keep up with it for one year! XDD

So that's enough rambling I think. Yes. Love and hugs!
Ja-mata!

=D Happy National Hug a Vegetarian Day!!!
*hugs for Jason* *hugs for my mother* *hugs for other vegetarians*
*one more for Jason*

It's so obvious I have acute paranoia. T___T
Apparently that's a common trait for Taurus though... it's an earth sign thing to need to be able to have a hold on things and to always know what's going on and be somewhat in control, you know? I feel like I'm a clingy person, but it's very bad for my brain to not be aware of things that are going on. I don't like to be a control freak, but winging it is so not good. T__T;
Ugg. So the paranoia had me for most of the day. I'll get over it. I really will.

Beyond that I have some questions. >_O
Jason! What were you doing being in my dream as a little girl who was always mad at me? Like... *shakes head* that was the most bizzare dream ever. O_O; You were cute and all, but really. XDDD
Now beyond that... don't look at me like that! It was a dream, okay?
But it all makes sense that we were hanging out in the ditch by my old house which apparently had been made into a house that the stoner's used. That all makes sense...
But what the heck was Shaina doing there? >_O Like... SHE was the one who was all being nice to little-girl-Jason and doing his hair and all that and I was like *aaaawkwaaaaaaaard* and I was mostly sad the whole time... and in babysitter brain mode. XDD Ugg. V__V; What the heck?
I would like to reiterate that I was not high when I went to bed last night. <_< *glare glare*

Yeah. Weird dream. That's probably the cause of today's paranoia too. V___V;

Class just keeps rocking the casba (which is probably not how that's spelled)
Psychology is okay I guess... cold. Overcrowded. Can't hear the professor... otherwise I don't mind it. ^^; Should be the easy class this year.
LOVING Japanese! I already have three different sets of hiragana DOWN. O_O So exciting. Love the teacher SO much. T__T
English is promising! It's the only class that really feels like a college level class to me so far, so it'll be challenging. I'll have to do my best!

I'm going to Spokane over the weekend and staying at Rachel's house! She and her family are going to show me around and we're going shopping! >33 I'm so excited! O_O
So I'll have my cellphone on me, but I probably won't be online on Saturday all that much. ^^;

Anyway, love and MORE HUGS!
I'll get over the paranoia... check out the poems! I'll work on writing some new ones rather than just continuing to revise old ones here soon >.>

Gotta eat now. O_O; Ciao!

I. LOVE. Being in school! XDDD

My classes are looking absolutely amazing!!!
Actually, I'll need some serious caffiene to get me through Psychology in the mornings... 250 people in that class. O_O;
But Japanese is PERFECT! =DDD

My teacher is the cutest thing ever! Her name is Teiko Stradling and she comes from Japan so English is her second language, and the first thing she told us is that she can't pronounce her last name! XD She said "Stla-do-ringu"  and then giggled and I just want to eat her! >333
We worked firstly on pronouncing the Japanese characters and my homework (should I choose to accept it) is to practice some basic Hiragana characters! >33
She explained the whole Hiragana, Katakana, Kanji thing as;
Kanji is chinese characters, Hiragana means made in Japan (like herself) and Katakana is made in another country (like most of us) <333

Absolutely amazing. Japanese 101 only has about 20 people in it, so it's a relief after psych! XD

Aaaahahaha! <333 And I have all my book and everything, so after English 201 this afternoon I'll be just peachy! =D So nice after stressing out for the last 72 hours XD

Now I'm eating my cup of noodles until 1:35 at which time I'll head down for English. Guitar guy from the stoner's group on my floor was in the kitchen scrubbing dishes when I went into the kitchen to heat it up and he's really nice. Gave me all these tips about the best way to make a cup of noodles >_O; Like, all seriously. ^_^; I'm starting to find that stoners are really nice here just like in Flagstaff, and it's the partiers that you have to be wary of.

To relieve your stress Jason, I haven't seen nor heard from Morgan since the first day. I really didn't mean to freak you out! I'm sorry! Sumimasen! T___T If I see him again I'm going to go on and on about you and scare him off, ne? ^__^- NOW you have to watch out for Mr Guitar guy 4 door down! =O
No. No you REALLY don't. Please don't. V___V; I'm such a bad person... *cry*

BTW, I look amazing today. XD Thought I should let the world know. ^^; I don't even know HOW that happened, being as I woke up EARLY and I hardly ate and was a nervous wreck, but I went to get a paper towel from the bathroom to clean up my soda explosion and I glanced in the mirror and it was like "O___O Wooooow! Damn! I look good!" XDD In my too-big jeans and T-shirt. XDD
Does a lot for the ego, that does. ^^; Makes me feel all sunny and happy! *flounce*

There's a BBQ at 5:30 today that I'm going to because I, like most college kids, do enjoy a free meal <3
Then I'm going to come back and I'll be online but I'm going to be doing some homework too, so hopefully I'll have that all finished by 9 or 10 and then I'll be calling you, Jason! But for Ca-chan I'll be on to talk by (hopefully) 7 or 8 your time, okay? ^_^

So smiles for everyone!!! <333

A horoscope compatibility thing popped up at me and so I was like "Heck! Why not?" and this is what came up for a Taurus with an Aquarius:

"If there's one thing a Bull hates, it's having your senses rattled by uncertainty. You like to know where you stand. You need to know. Unfortunately, the eccentric ways and strange ideas of an Aquarius won't give you the security you crave. On the bright side, it's possible for you to be a soothing, grounding influence on airy Aquarius. Since you're both fixed signs, you're both set in your ways. This can cause a problem when you argue -- your stubbornness is no match for Aquarian's know-it-all attitude. See, your partner actually does know everything."

For some reason that made me incredibly happy. ^^ It's a pretty cute little paragraph all in all. >_O It's true that I'm totally paranoid about everything all the time and Jason's totally all over the place <3 It's okay. I can deal, I can deal. ^^

Had a dream last night and I think someone was trying to kill me or something because whoever was driving drove straight infront of oncoming traffic before swirving out of the way and it freaked me out so much. O__O I jumped and gasped and it woke me up and the first thing I grabbed to calm me down was Jason's scarf. ^_^- I was holding it really tightly when I woke up this morning too. It was cute? XDD

I was pleased with myself for writing last night... didn't write much, but I really did write! =D Good Kaye <33 Writing. It's a good thing.

I did meet a guy today. >_O The weird thing is that since he was the only guy in our group at the time, all the girls were totally trying to hit on him and he was like "Um. I have a girlfriend" and then I noticed his eyes! And totally casually I was like "Wooow! You have gorgeous eyes!" and then I had to apologize for staring at him and we pretty much talked for the rest of the activities of the morning... I was so not hitting on him, but I think the other girls thought I was. I'm just way more suave than them! XDDDD Well, then he walked me to my dorm... even though he lives in town >_O And he's really a gorgeous guy and offered to show me around Cheney and gave me his number and took mine. XDD I think I just unintentially picked up a taken dude! O_O;
What have you done to me, Jason? XDDD
No. See, the thing is that even though he was pretty much exactly Sarah's type... I really just want a guy-friend and I'm not even interested in him. He has a girlfriend. So no one has to worry. Really. Even though I have his number. XDDD

Yeah. That's been my day so far! =D I still can't wait for CLASSES to start! =D Wachaow! <3

Now I have things to go do... so I'll be on later tonight probably! <3

Love to all!

I totally did NOT just mean to leave you hanging there Sapph-chan Q_Q I got a certain phone call from a certain phantom thief and apparently it stole my common sense away >_>

So I'd like to mention that I think the people in this dorm aren't so bad at all. ^^ We had to wake up this morning at 9:00am and I went and took a shower and after I got back someone just started BLASTING Pink's So What and it was like O____O wow. But it was almost 10 by then and they completely stopped playing any music when the song was over. ^^; Seems pretty courteous, you know?

I'm keeping Rachel awake by typing over here, I know it T___T I'm a horrible person. Ugg. I gotta brush my teeth still though... *sigh* I've just got so much energy today. I'm finally relaxed I guess. I've been really tense for a long while now. If I find time I think I'll write on the morrow... I did write that prologue... I should post that...

So I've been convinced that I should be Misa Misa for Halloween XDDD And I'll totally do it too I think (gotta know what costume I'm pulling off first though ^_~) as long as Jason cosplays Dark Mousy <333 (although I still think you should try Satoshi) but of course, everyone knows that the always amazing Dark still steals my heart every time I see him, so I'm all for this plan <3
Dark gets all the hot outfits... I'm going to post hot Dark pictures below now XD I can't help myself <3

Speaking of which... word on the street is that Volume 12 of DNAngel still intends to be released! O__O There's still hope for my sanity! XD If it's here by Christmas I'm expecting a copy of it from everyone who plans on getting me Christmas presents and I do not jest. O__O I'll read each 5 times if that's what it takes to make my craving go away.

A Halloween present of Jason as Dark may just help though <333

Umm... lost my train of thought...
Why is it so hard to find Moondance? It's a rather popular song, you know?

I'm seriously keeping Rachel awake now. T__T I'm hungry... I'm going to go brush my teeth and go to bed. O_O Since I'm getting up at 8:00 in the morning... ugg... for brunch with Rachel's parents... it's only fair as we had dinner with mine T____T I won't die. I swear!

Goodnight! <3

I can't bring myself to get out my own computer, because that's the only place I can see your pictures right now... and I'm not sure it's safe to go to Myspace just yet... so I'll write what I need to write to let myself fall asleep tonight.

Oh great. Now I can't say anything. I should be packing up, getting ready for bed, and sleeping, but I'm holding tight to your scarf and I can't believe it's in my hands... around my neck... and it smells like you.

I was so ready not to cry you know. You just set me off. V__V "Aishiteru" is the only word I've found that's right...
"Daisuki" is what they say in Japan you know. It's literally "I like you" but it holds the same meaning as "I love you" does in english, so that's what they use. Aishiteru is deeper. It's literally "I love you" and that's the sound my heart is making right now...

I will DIE if my roommate has a ticking clock, just so you know. I'll probably be found in the bathrooms having hung myself with your scarf or something. XDD Only not. V__V No afterlife, remember? And I have to see you again.

Why're you so perfect, Jason? It just doesn't even seem possible that I found someone like you when I wasn't even looking...

I don't know any other way to say it so I'm going to say what comes to mind:
I'm always going to be so jealous of myself for getting to hear you giggle like that <33
The way your eyes became the whole night sky and the most precious smile I've ever seen... I envy me for getting to hold that, because in three months I don't know how cold it's going to be, and with only your scarf to keep me warm...

I don't know why it took me more than a week to be convinced that you love me. ^_^;
More than a week. Seriously. What is my problem?
I kept telling myself "No, HE asked YOU out, you dork!" but then it just kept repeating that maybe this was just one of those things...
If you've learned anything about me you should learn that I'm a moron. If I wasn't, I'd have been holding your hand months before tasting your tears tonight.

Aishiteru.

You wrote the most deep, heartfelt, perfect letter I've ever read in my life and I feel like a jerk because when I wrote that poem I was feeling so upset and detatched and I wanted to be the high-and-mighty one who would move on cleanly until I could come back and see you again, and I was so sure everything would change and there wouldn't be this ridiculous flame between us...

I can still feel your lips against mine. I still feel you... I don't want that to fade.

I promise not to worry about you if you promise not to get arrested or fired or fail any of your classes or anything that would make me worry... I'll try so hard not to worry about you.

I almost went back...
I almost went back and ran out and didn't leave...

I turned into the parking lot and I started to pull over and stop the car and run and find you where ever you'd gone...
but then I put it in reverse, and I drove on away...

Maybe that'll be the one regret I'll keep with me for leaving.
I'll regret not going back.

I'll always regret not going back
And taking that last minute
In your arms.

I'll call you when I get to Washington.
I'll call you until I get through
Because I don't think I told you I love you
And I can't live without making sure you know.

Oh, and I'm still not deleting your message off my phone. <3

So expect the pictures a week from now or so...

So keep your perfect hair, and your starlight eyes, and your beautiful, giggly smile, and your warmth and the window to your soul,
Tie them up in a bow and leave them for me in strawberry fields right where the sunlight meets the shade
And when it snows I'll come searching for them
And together we can sweep up the shattered glass
And create a whole new window.

<3

I love you.

I love you Jason.

Aishiteru

I remember when it started I was counting my time in terms of weeks... now it's all in terms of hours. It's insane! The last time I moved I was never running out of time. I remember sitting on that bench by the baseball field between the elementary school and the middle school and just waiting for the final bells to ring so I could say goodbye to all my friends that last day... everything was already packed and everything.
I have packed exactly one and a half boxes. My books and movies are packed >_>
I haven't said everything I wanted to say to certain people, I haven't done all the things I expected to do...
At some point here I just ran out of time.

I don't regret any of it.

I had a blast today. XD Gotta apologize to Jason for making him go out to sushi with me, but I am going to miss Hiro's. ^_^; It's not the same since you moved, Cayley, since now Molly and I've been going alone, so it was nice to bring along someone totally different. I think he secretly liked it and is just giving me a hard time.
At least he liked the cookies. <3

I stuck a copy of the picture of him and me in my yearbook and packed it with my books. If I get some more really good pictures tomorrow I'll stick them in my journal. <3 Or get a frame even maybe...
I really am psyched about that. O_O I can't tell you how much I love photography and I've never had a model before <3 I hope I do him justice. I'm going to get you to smile, Jason. >3 I'm going to get a picture of you when you're eyes are shining like they were that one night! Mark my words. <333 And then I'll keep that somewhere so I'll have it forever. ^__^

Also today I went to Oregano's with the Bakery! <33 Karla and Daniella showed up late, but I got to meet Bridget's boyfriend and everyone looked so pretty all dolled up! <3 They're an incredibly fun group. I'm definitly going to miss them all. Karla says I can come back and work again when I come back for the summer, so I might do that. If I don't get anything published between now and then I think I'll definitly take her up on that. ^^

Seperate note: Stephanie apparently got fired for not coming in to work >_> They're going to die with only Sean doing the packaging. V_V; Oh well. I guess that's how it goes. I shouldn't worry about that anymore, I have more dangerous things to flip out about.

I fully intend to not cry again. V__V I can't just let myself cry. I'll have to really blast some loud music all the way to Washington so I can stop myself from thinking about leaving.
If it were up to me, I'd never have to miss you, Jason... but I'm leaving, and since we both feel the same about the whole LDR thing, I can't let myself be sad about it. I have to get out of this town.
I really have to get out of this town.
If I could have that and not leave, I'd take that.
It'll be four more years before we find out if you're right, because I disagree. I think some things can last forever, but I won't just cling to you, so don't worry.
You get together with an Asian girl, then two Asian girls, then an Asian girl and a red head, and I'll find a nice sensative writer, and I'll be back for Christmas and for the summer,

And don't think you're getting out of me taking your picture in the snow just because I'll need a raincheck for it. ^_^

Sapphire-chan, don't be sad about the whole deal with JC! I'll be able to talk to you much more after I settle down in Washington, so don't get too depressed and start reading all your books, silly! XD And watch Hana Yori Dango! O_O GOOD SERIES!

Whaaaaaaaaaa....
You became my whole night sky, and now I'm leaving... If there's a god, seriously, he's a sadistic bastard. Yes he is.
So don't forget me or anything, just because we can't get back any of the perfect moments that have passed by... I can't prove they happened, but it's something to remember.
Memories are better than bandaids anyway. XDDD
And the poem... the one I want to give you... I may write another, because that poem is all me worrying about leaving you here and...
I may write another one
But I'll give you that one too.

So kiss me in the moonlight *dance* and that totally was not me bursting into song, BTW >_>

It's a full moon tomorrow, isn't it? =OO

Two more days.
UGG! My mind can't take this! O_O; Just ... just... um...
So I always thought that "I love you" was a really worthless phrase, you know? I mean, even I throw it all over the place...
But when you said it to me... it's all poetry, you know? It's like... doki doki <3
So I'll save that message on my phone,
And I'll call you when I've settled into my room...
And I'll call you too, Cayley.

And I'll keep posting pictures, and I'll keep up with my website...

So don't shut me out of your life, and don't get depressed.

You make the wine and I'll keep it safe, ne? ^_^-

So I love you, and this may be the last rant I write from Arizona for a long while! ^___^;;

I'm gonna go work on my story now. >.> Enjoy it.

Aishiteru!!!
<3

So... I guess for my last week here I'm living life in the fast lane...
I'm learning a lot of strange things about myself. XD Not all of them good, but not all of them are bad either.

Notably I learned that I give in much too easily and that I cannot survive on 3 hours of sleep. >_>
Those two discoveries may or may not be connected.

I've already pretty much said goodbye to the bakery, though I still have one more day to work there. It's sad, but Karla promised me I'd have a job there if I went back again next summer. ^^ That's really nice. I'll try to look forward to it, though I'm hoping that maybe I'll be selling at least SOMEthing by then and making enough money to not have to work? *crosses fingers*

I think I need to work on being more... less... I need to not give in so easily. XD I'm sure I've already always made life hard enough on everyone, but I'd very much like to not be a pushover just to take the easier way out. Yes. It is the easier way out. Don't look at me like that! XD

Haha! I just had a Dark Wing Duck quote wiggle it's way into my mind and it's making me laugh...

=O I forgot! I want to introduce everyone to the rival for my heart. >33 CLICK HERE TO SEE! and then if you're like "pssh! She's crazy!" You can click HERE for the moment I totally fell for him. XDD
Haha! I'm joking, I'm joking.... but not really. But I am. But his VOICE! O___O If you're not smitten after clicking the links then you must be insane! >_< He's my top choice for winning America's Got Talent this year! GO ELI! <3333

Nah, I'm just making you jealous, Jason. But you'd better watch out anyway. XD I meet this guy and it's all over. XD No... but maybe <3

<3

For someone who can change the beating of his heart to match the clock on the wall, he sure is warm...

Another minute just went by.
Amazing how the silence is so quiet and calm on my couch and so tense and wild now that I'm alone in the cold.

After I leave... If maybe four or five years down the line you find yourself thinking about hands as the window to the soul- look me up. If I haven't found that artist that completes my life better than science,
Maybe I could fall completely asleep again, just like that, where the rhythm of the night is so warm and soothing, and not worry about making you leave me alone.
Then maybe, when we wake up, the heartbeat that sent us both off to sleep will be a shared one, and not two waking up alone.

Strawberry fields do come back every summer once the frost has lifted...

P.S. I might have a gag-reflex, but if you find do find a girl and I can't move on, I have unlimited access to hair dye. ^^ Ye be warned!

I once said that I'd discovered that high school boys are like paper cranes.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's me; I was the crane all along.

I've always prided myself on being like the sun- constantly bright and truly happy with everything that came into my life.

Then suddenly, I was scared of being the sunshine.
I was scared that if it was always bright, there would be no place to hide, no secrets, no protection.
I've been scared of the sun for a long time now.
Not scared, but cautious. Constantly cautious.

I wrote something for myself, and it's been interpreted in many ways, the way all things are once they're painted out in clear words.
Not all the interpretations were false, but maybe mine was false.

I enjoy being the sun. I've always truly believed that everything works out, I've always believed that tomorrow is another day and that things happen the way they were meant to happen.
I believe strongly in a destiny that I once must have chosen for myself, and I believe that I would never lead myself along a path I didn't want to take.
I can't make myself believe in anything beyond death, so I only have one chance, and I'll make the best of anything and everything that comes along this path. I won't take crap and I won't be disappointed by anything.

Today was the first day in a long time that I had an epiphany and realized that I've always been the sun. I realized that I love being the sun.
All I'm saying is that I'll keep shining.
Whatever it was... whatever was in my head that was so terrified of the light, I'll let it go.

I need to be the daylight now, and I want to forever be the daylight.

That's what my writing was missing. That's what I was lost to all summer long...
I've found it. I think I've finally found it, even if it's just now awakening.
I'm alive again.

But what's day without night but dying light?
So against everything, let me continue to be the eternal sunshine
Because I don't have much longer till I take my light and head north
So hold onto me at least until then
And I'll have faith
In the warmth of the shadows.

I guess I can keep believing that the night is always darkest just before the dawn.
I guess that's what I'm left with.

I really don't know what happened. It's like the lights went out and I can't even see the shadows.

Who told me to not trust fate? Well... maybe that's what this is. Maybe all the world is just a double-sided mirror.

I intend to stay on this side. I intend to forgive and I intend to keep smiling through any weather.
No regrets. That was what I said. I would leave here with no regrets.
Nothing's changing. Nothing's changed.
No regrets.

I just wish I wasn't caught in such a labyrinth of darkness. I wish could see every turn, maybe then I'd understand this maze.

Now I've made my move, and I'll keep waiting for the next in this constant chess stalemate.
We're not playing with kings, so there's no checkmate. Just move...
And don't be so afraid
To let me know
When something's wrong

Ok?

I'm glad I both have a journal and a Cayley, or else I'd be taking it all out on this here poor innocent webpage. XD

So I went out on a date tonight. >3
Had some icecream. Saw some batman.
What I failed to realize was just how slick my date really is. XD
In the long run, I guess mostly I'm struck with how easy I must be. XD I was NOT expecting that. I thought I'd be all like... hard to get? Not like that but something. Damn... he's good. O_O;
I dunno. I wasn't expecting a lot of things to happen I guess. This was my first real offical date ever (yeah. I know I'm eighteen. School was just more important to me. Back off. XD) so I have an excuse for being caught off guard.
Yet, I wasn't uncomfortable with any of it. At all. Unexpected sure, but... I guess I liked it. ^^ God that sounds terrible. XD
... that sneaky thief. XD I hope you know you stole my first kiss! Don't look at me like that. DX

I gotta say. Kissing isn't quite what the movies make it out to be. They all like... slow waaaaaay down and it's all exciting, but my mind totally didn't register that he'd just kissed me until after it had happened. (sorry!) It was like "Whoa! WHOA! You just let him kiss you!" and then I just got all giggly. XD Gomen-ne!

A lovely date, all in all. Domo Arigatou. <3

Sorry I stress out so much, Sapphire-chan! XD You and I need to take some chill pills. >_> I'm sure. I'm gonna get you a picture of someone if I can. Someone with initials... rather than a real name. XD (I think you should call the Trombone player by initials too, just so my theory holds up. I'm already ready to start calling Alec "AB" XD)

I'm going to go cheer on the Eagles tomorrow! It's probably the only game of the year I'll see, sadly, so I'll be cheering my best! =D I'll be sitting by the band. >3

There's so no way I'm sleeping tonight. T__T Holy crap. XD

Ahhh! T_T I feel like such an idiot.
I knew I was feeling sick by Monday, I don't know why I was sick, but I knew that I was, but I went into work anyway and totally over exerted myself.
Tuesday I was worse so I stayed home thinking "I'll take good care of myself and I'll feel better and then I can have fun tomorrow!"
Tomorrow being wednesday, which a certain someone had asked me to keep open and I was totally excited about. But no.
I get up and go to work thinking "I'll just distract myself with work and I'll be okay"
And then about two hours in I realized I was going to collapse all of a sudden, so I told Bridget and she told me to go sit down and then Karla told me I should go home and see a doctor.
And I get so emotional when I'm not feeling well, so I went home crying and feeling like an idiot.

Well, in all this time I haven't heard from him once and after I slept for a while and was feeling better I sent him a message apologizing since I can't go out with him tonight.
And I know he got it... I think he did. It said he got online.
But I got no response.
So that's another day of hearing nothing and I know I'm paranoid and I'm sick and I feel like crap because I really wanted today to be the most incredible day ever, because regardless of anything else, it's a dancing night. The last one. And I'm going to miss it.

I had a really great dream yesterday too... No good dreams at all today. Not that I fell asleep last night. That's probably why I was going to collapse. I couldn't sleep at all.

I'm just going to sit in my brother's room and play Twilight Princess for the rest of the day. I'll keep my cellphone with me though... just in case.
Please call me.
Gomen-nasai.

All my neurotic paranoia has been happily unfounded as I just went on a date tonight!
I think...
Actually, I'm not totally sure because there was so much like... rush about it.

I got asked to go to this concert in a way that left me in a bit of a happy little confusion. Then when I got home I spent all this time deciding that he was going to forget to call me and that I wouldn't be going.
Well he called! =D

It was a Ska concert and Reel Big Fish was the band playing. It was awesome. O__O A little awkward, and I knew so many people who were there (hugged about a dozen guys I haven't seen all summer. XDD Saw Jesse, he's still a cutie. He was just standing there while everyone was dancing and then he saw me and he gave me his big happy smile and I still want to adopt that child >3 )
It was weird because Jason and I pretty much never touched the whole time. I don't know why I found that weird, but it was like there was a bubble between us or something. >_O A bubble of UNCERTAINTY? *is untouchable* XDDD
But I had a lot of fun, and on the way there and then on the way back we talked about a lot of things. I like talking to him because he's so... odd isn't the right word, it's just like there's a lot of things going on in his head and it all jumbles together in a way that comes out as really endearing. I dunno, I think he was just talking to fill empty space. XD People do that so much around me. T__T My quick thinking works much too slow and I just giggle if I get nervous. O_o;

Anyway, I'm just so psyched! After we walked back to my car, we sort of hugged. I think it was more awkward than it had to be. ^^; And then we set it up to have another date. O__O Like... really another date. XD How did I not see all this sooner? Why did everything wait until now to work out? I don't even have a full month left... I think he knows that.

So I'm going to be going to see Mama Mia sometime soon! XD And HE suggested it. How great is that? I wonder if I mentioned it... I totally want to see that movie too. <_< But no one really would think I would, huh?

But you know, for the down note of the whole thing, I realized it while I was mopping today...
I am leaving. No matter how much fun I'm having, it never gets to be something big...
How depressing. XD

What was really funny was the look on Jake's face when I told him I was there with Jason. XD He was all "Oh wow! I haven't seen you in forever! *hug* How've you been? Where're you staying?" and I was like "Oh, I'm not going to NAU, Jason brought me to this." and he was like *looks at Jason* "Oh." It was funny. XD Jake was my math buddy way back when. ^^; I haven't talked to him in over a year O__O; What the heck? XD

Nah, everything's good.
It's just such a relief to KNOW, you know?
XD Love and peace for all!

The rains just started pouring all of a sudden. It's like a sudden flood has come to sweep away everything. I want to stand outside and be cleansed, but it's just so cold.
I guess I'll stay dirty again tonight.

I wrote something in response to something else today and I'm afraid of what it will do. What it will cause.
Not that it's anything too bad, and it could be something too good, but I'm afraid to hope for either.

I wish I had the power
To pull you through to this side
Of the window pane,
Where the sun is always shining
On the other side
Of that cloudy day...

Was what I wrote. It's what I meant. It's sincere...

I should be sleeping right now. I really should. It's 2:39am and I may need to go do things tomorrow. I will have to do things. I've packed my schedule too full for my own good I'm afraid. All I really need is a day to myself, so we'll see if I'm able to get that any time at all.

I'm getting better at dancing, that's the up side to everything in the world. I'm actually a fairly decent swing dancer now, and I'm working on salsa. I can tango enough to get by and I'm alright with a waltz. It's so much fun! I just hope there will be someone to continue to dance with after I leave.

My biggest fear right now if my own false fronts. I hate conflict if I can avoid it face to face, so I just smile. I can't remember the last time I've cried seriously in front of anyone. I just can't anymore. I guess that's because I'm so bad at trusting anyone.
Maybe the dancing will help that too. It's certainly helping me not get fat after all this wangst. XD

That's it. I'm going to bed now.

Break free from your box and join me, or leave me alone.
That's who I really am.
No one needs to know...

It really has been raining awful much. It's beautiful and nice and all with the wildflowers, but I do wish I could get a tan this summer. T___T; I hardly get time to go outside and when I can it's always raining.

So today I looked up what the meaning of my penname is!
Kaye is an English name meaning Keeper of the Keys and Pure. Spivey is also an English name, although I'm not entirely sure what it means. There was no real definition. I get the feeling it started off as a nickname or something. >_>
Still, always nice to know what one's name means in case anyone ever asks who isn't a strange dude on myspace who is now blocked from my account. >__>

Other than that there isn't much room for extreme excitement in my life as of recent. Took a nice hike today to see the wildflowers, went to a fun party, watched the last part of Tin Man again, bought two Three Musketeers books (the original and Man In The Iron Mask) which I intend to read in reverse order very soon. I'm so bad at finishing books, but I do love starting them! The Musketeers have been my favorites pretty much all my life and so I'm completely excited to be finding myself in a position to read about them.

Oh yeah! I was surprised to learn that someone from EWU has apparently been checking up on me as they have found my website!!
I sure hope I don't have any incriminating information floating anywhere online or anything, because apparently some people are thorough! XD

I'm so bad at keeping up with my quota.
I was going to write 100 pages in 31 days and that's looking unlikely. I'm pretty sure I needed something like 32 pages today and I've got 11. I have no idea when I'll catch myself back up. The story I'm writing could potentially be amazing, but it's not getting there yet. I'll work on catching up tomorrow, but it's work the rest of the week so I'll see when I can find time. T__T;

The moon tonight is really intense. I thought I should comment on that. It's close and large like a full moon, but a whole quarter of it is cut straight off. I guess that makes it the Last Quarter. Kagen no Tsuki. <3 It's like a slice of cheesecake in the sky... Looming over us all and tucking us into the night. It's incredible... I wish I had a decent picture of it to post on here, but I don't. I'm sorry. You'll have to imagine a full beautiful moon faded halfway through.

Goodnight. <3

DUDE!
I just got an e-mail back from my roommate, and she's amazing! I'm so excited. <3

She's an AMAZING artist. O__O A. Mazing. Enjoy, if you will, her Deviant Art account: http://rheill.deviantart.com and she's currently in Japan, which is incredible on so many levels. XD
I just can't express how relieved I am that my roommate is awesome and now some hair and nails girl who I wasn't going to be able to get along with. I really hope we hit it off right away so college will be lots of fun. ^^

I did manage to post some poetry I believe... did I post the revised version of Rise, Angel, or did I post the one I wrote a while back about writing? ... I posted something. Enjoy it if you will. ^^

That's about all, I got my job in the bakery and it's amazing. More on that when I'm not supposed to be sleeping so I can get up in time for my eight o'clock shift. XD Goodnight! <3

I just finished watching the brilliant finale of Doctor Who Season 4.

Good GOD that was the biggest bank of loopholes I've ever witnessed in my life. XD The first full hour made less than no sense whatsoever. Well, it made perfect sense, but not really. Not much I guess.
I cried really hard at the end though.
All this time, all he does is search for Rose, and they can't be together. She can have him, but not the one she wants, and he can't have anyone at all. I can't believe Donna. That was incredible. It had to happen and it was brilliant. Rose will still be my favorite, and she's finally got a reason to be happy... God it was intense.

The worst part is, I have to wait for 2010 until the next season. All the juicy details here...

Seriously though. He's the lonliest man in the world, because there are always going to be people who care about him and yet he can never have anyone to be with forever. He just keeps having to be alone. The worst part is, it's this doctor more than all the others. As far as I know he can only regenerate one more time. Total. Then it's the end.
It's sad to think of someone who keeps running because they can't ever stay in one place. Running forever just to forget, and yet all you can do is remember...

I'm going to write. I'm not sure yet, because nothing in my head makes any sense that could then translate to a story I'd want to be read. Everything I want to write... that I can write,
Is the Tardis without lights, staring out it's windows at a universe ripped open to spell the words of a brilliant lunitic, but I can't even see those words anymore...
It's holding a gun because there's no safety without it, and sneaking into an elementary school to find something or someone and trying not to be caught by the military stationed outside.
It's pirates letting school children choose their own method of death and watching them suffer.
It's the thing that eats everyone alive and I'm running and I'm running and friend or enemy they're all getting eaten and I'm leading it to them because I just don't want to die.
It's the last time he touched his forehead against mine before he sank into the earth, and I was alone again...

I can't write those things. It can't be a story.
And that's all there is.
It's blackness of some sort, and we need more time to rid ourselves of it.

I love the Doctor, and I wish that at the end of everything, he could find his happiness.
I don't want to say we could be happy together; that if he found happiness I'd be able to find mine,
Because he's fictional, and I'm a human in the 21st century.
But that's how it feels right now.

As I look up at the stars tonight...

 The summer is starting to turn into something again. For a while it was this or that and then it wasn't something I liked...
But maybe it's starting to become something.

There are some things I wish I had right now. If I were to start a list I could probably go on forever. I want some sushi for one thing. I just had the urge to stuff a Dragon Roll in my mouth right now. Too bad Hiro's isn't open this late at night.

I go to bed early apparently too.
Not that I go to bed early necessarily. It's 1:47am and I'm just now beginning to wonder if I'm bored enough to migrate down to my room. I've definitly got some mad insomnia going, so that's not the issue.
But apparently all other legal teens I know like to stay out and hang until the wee hours of the morning. They go to parties that don't even start till after midnight. Wander around parks with friends late into the night...
The latest I've been home all summer was 10:45 and that was because I made myself not be the first person to go home.
Apparently I not only have high moral and social standards for myself, but a major problem toeing the line.
It's like, "Hello line! I'm Kaye. I'm going to back up a few steps now and let you do your thing."
Which you know? That's a really good thing. It mostly keeps me out of trouble. For some reason I still have a problem at home among other things. I'm a good kid and highly responsible, but no. I will always be the problem child compared to my socially inept older brother and my "popular kid" little brother. I'm only a good kid when I help out with the pets and stuff like that. My parents wanted me to be a vet.... oh well.
I found out recently that my father hadn't been doing anything with my financial aide for college. He dealt with everything like that for my older brother, so I guess I thought that after I did the main stuff that he'd take over. Well, he didn't. Today they went on about how I'm going to have to repay my loans after college and being a poor writer working in a coffee shop isn't going to cut it and I'll need a real job and I should have just gone to school in Flagstaff.

Maybe I really should have just copped out and gone to NAU. But now that I'm not, I'm even more glad I'm not.
Going here would have broken my heart for sure. Free tuition or not, getting to do exactly what I want with my life or not...
I still know I'd be heartbroken if I stayed here.

So I'm going to just do what I want. I truly believe that I can do exactly what I want with my life. Somehow that just needs to work out,
Because everything about today's society says you can't get by doing what you love and you have to try so hard and it can't be right. We can't all be becoming machines that just spew out exactly what they're supposed to and follow the system.
I'm not asking to stand out and be transendentalist or whatever... I just want to be happy.
There has to be a way to be completely happy in this world without copping out along the way.
If there is. I'll find it.
I've got to find it
And prove the rest of the world wrong.

About a week ago a two day old kitten was picked up from a tool shed by a beagle and brought to it's owner.
That woman had recently suffered a miscarriage, and when she could find no evidence of a mother cat, she sent the kitten to another person to take care of it, afraid it might die, being so young and without a mother to care for it.
That person couldn't take care of the kitten, also worried it would die and raised it for another two days before sending it on.
The next person to handle the kitten already had kittens to take care of, much older. Her grandfather was in the hospital, and when the kitten became obviously ill after two more days, she had to send it onward.

That's when we recieved her. Right as she was showing signs of illness.
A little black thing that could be easily mistaken for a baby bat, she was incredibly frail and small for ten days old.
I stayed up all night with her, checking her constantly and feeding her and helping her pee, and my mother got up early to take care of her as well.
She seemed strong enough, always trying her best to hang on and eat and improve her health.
When she lived till morning I decided it was safe enough, and I offically named her Kiseki- "miracle" in Japanese.

At 10:00 tonight she died. Eleven days old and fifteen minutes from the last time we'd fed her and held her before lying her down in her bed, where it was warmer, to sleep.

I've never held a dead animal before.
They're so limp. Kiseki was always small, and her eyes weren't even open yet
But her head just drooped in my hand and she was just simply dead.

I am upset. She's at peace and I'm upset about it.
She may as well have lived, but she didn't.

I don't know if there's a rainbow connection to love or dreams or whatever,
But I think there is to death, because it's something real enough to cry about.

So that's what the new poem is about.
Color.

Whether that makes sense or not...

I'm hooked back on Johnny The Homicidal Maniac, which is really amazing. Most brilliant dark satire I've ever read in my life. It's so open and true and when you read it it's like you're letting out your own frustrations every time Nny kills someone. It's such a relief. Like writing angry poetry, but someone does it for you and it's more visual.
Not that I'm morbid or angry right now.
Not at all.
Just fascinated.

There's an element of suspense in my life currently. It's a whole Hurry Up And Wait deja vu that's clinging to my skin like sap. I can't quite get it all off and break from everything.
Too much could be going on and so nothing does. Everything is waiting for something else.
I spend my time reading The Kite Runner (which I recommend to everyone with a strong warning) and beginning stories I wish I had the motivation or inspiration to finish.
I finally got a job, but it's only for three weeks and it doesn't start for a while, which isn't good enough for my parents. It's starting to get rough.
I hang out with my friends a lot now and I've been having a good time. I go out and stay out more than I ever have in my life and it makes me feel like I've reached a new stage of my life, but I want this stage to finish transitioning.
I think I'm finally mentally able to have a boyfriend now, really and truly. But I don't have anyone in mind at all. I liked someone, got over him, the Emotion came back and then I got over him again and kicked the Emotion out of my head. Even when she whispers now, I don't feel for that guy. There was another guy for a very short time that I thought I could be happy liking. There's nothing now. It could happen so easily, but I guess I'm leaving and everything comes down to that.

I'm excited for the future and have begun to discover what living could be like, slowly yet surely. I'm connecting to people I never thought I would be connected to. It's really exciting. I'm falling back in love with the idea of having real friendships. I haven't believed in those for a while, and I didn't even realize that. But I've had such very good friends. I do love them. I love them all.
And I won't be missing them, because they aren't going to go away this time. Not at all.
Having something to hold on to was easier than I thought it would be. Now I'm believing I'll be having these close friends forever.

Life is sort of amazing the way it cycles around and around. Only spontanaety works out the way I believed it would. Everything else is clean and cured and never works the way it was planned.
But when I dip my palms beneath the water of a stream and raise them with a tiny fish inside, that's something only the moment could control, and it's fascinating and amazing and it's gone as soon as it began, but it's to be treasured. You can't catch a fish like that if you're trying to, but now I've dipped my hands beneath the surface and what I found was fantastic. 
I'll let that water run away and keep the memory precious.

Here I come, life. I intend to live you, with or without my dreams.

I had a really incredible dream last night.

Maybe it wasn't all that incredible, but I can't stop thinking about it now.

It was really simple. The part I remember most is that every time I'd talk to this person, we'd press our foreheads together and watch each other's eyes while we were talking. In the dream it wasn't a romantic thing. It was really sort of sweet and friendly and it felt like we were best friends or something, but if you think about it, touching foreheads is a very intimate thing.
At one point in the dream, I was talking to this person and one of my friends (Sapphire-chan) leaned over and told me to kiss that person on the nose.
I didn't. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't have even in real life, and I'm glad I didn't in the dream. Although I get the feeling there'd have been no problem if I had.
The whole premise of the dream was that this person and I would be rooming together on some trip and the person was all excited about it which made me really happy.
Somehow though, we didn't end up rooming together and when that happened we just sort of seemed to avoid each other.
I don't remember how it ended, but it was so familiar.
I didn't remember the dream right away when I woke up, it was remembering the feeling of our foreheads touching that reminded me of it.
It was such a comforting feeling and something I've never done with that person.
An interesting dream.

Other than that, I'm waiting to get called about a job. I applied seven different places, but my mom wants me to HAVE a job by now and not just be pending for one, so it's becoming an issue.
I have too much that I want to do this summer and plenty of time to do it. That's the problem. I'm so bad at procrastinating. Nothing ever seems perfect for me. I see my schedules as blocks and I'm not between the right blocks to write or something. It's sad. I've been reading "The Kite Runner" playing Pokemon and writing poetry mostly. I haven't even been watching Xena, Warrior Princess like I want to.

It's a nice summer either way though. Just not QUITE as nice as I'd imagined.
Or dreamed, apparently.

Something's changing all over again. ¢¾
It's fabulous when that happens, when all the stressing shrugs off and I begin to see again.
And I'm seeing changes this time.
My whole world is on the edge of a change, and a big one. Something amazing could happen at any moment now.

With all the crap I have to sift between, you'd think I'd be more wary on this tightrope road I'm walking. But that's just not the way I feel.
I'd rather feel like I did something at some point in my young life that I can look back on without a single regret, or with huge regrets that I adore. I've never done certain things for certain reasons that I wish I'd tried, and I intend to take full advantage of all of them somehow.

I just broke out of a strong depressed Emotion last night. I broke out the same way I always do; by writing. It's strange how that simple act can keep me sane, but even writing something silly can relieve an excruciating amount of pressure on my head. If I could remember to just write every time an Emotion I don't like tries to take over, I'd be happy and clear most of my life. It's too bad that I like dark clouds so much.
Exercise is the other thing I do to break Emotions. If I keep working myself till the point at which I could break, then I feel better about myself. In fact, I tend to feel fantastic.

So this Friday I'll be selling yearbooks and then I think I'll go to Ansel's party. My hair will be purple and I'll be wearing leather boots (I might change before I go) but I'm really looking forward to this party. I have no idea what it'll be like and I'm a little worried because he seems the type to have all alcoholic beverages or something weird like that, but I'll enjoy myself. I just need to get all the details and head out!
I've never been to a party like this before. It's always been band parties, or friend's parties, but I only know Ansel from the play and I don't know him all THAT well. We'll see. I really hope I have fun.
If I don't then I don't, but this is just another one of those things I'm looking forward to.

I'm also looking forward to a possible potential... is that redundent?
I just wish it would be clearer and more forward rather than flitting about in the shadows where it causes me an emense amount of confusion. Maybe I should take the preemptive strike. ^^

O___O DUDE!

Okay, tour was amazing, not a complaint except upon myself.

But I just realized that, although I am familiar with the story of Dracula, I have never read the books nor seen any of the movies save Nosferatu, and so I didn't really know all the details of his life.
Specifically: I DID NOT KNOW HIS LOVE JUMPED TO HER DEATH. O__o; WHAT? I had NO idea and now I feel silly for the fact that my ONLY vampire's love interest jumped to HER death because of him as well. O__O; Does the idea of vampires just universally cause them to have lovers with a lack of a fear in heights, or did I get this idea leaked into my brain somehow? I don't want his story to be unoriginal! I wanted Raven to denounce the silly ways of Vampires, but it doesn't seem pure if I seem to have copied the life of Dracula... >.>

Also to my discredit, Dracula can also move about during the day comfortably, he just perfers night. Raven likes the daylight, so I suppose that's a difference, but still! The cross so far is my only diversion and I only have it because I don't believe in the power of the church. T^T

You know, they even have the same thing with being completely unpicky about who they bed. >_> *tsktsk* Raven... where did I find you anyway?

I really don't know...
It's just today. It's just how incredibly exhausted I am and how I've really not eaten enough all day and I've had so much caffiene and stressed so much and I'm so worried about so many things that will all be sorted out so cleanly in the daylight.
It's just weird, you know?

It's just so amazing when someone holds you in a way that truly makes you wish they'd never let you go and lets you know that they never would if the world worked that way. It's amazing, and it steals away all other things, logical or otherwise.
I guess I'm just not the person who gets that. I don't get to stand in the spotlight and really be happy about it.

I'm sure it's because I'm a type A personality and everything in the world stresses me out to the point of exhaustion... It'd just be so much nicer if everything worked out exactly perfectly and I could just snuggle up on a couch in a dark room with the one person I want to spend my life with and just let that be okay for an entire day.
Or just an entire hour. Just that one moment trapped in time to really let everything go.
That's not something I can do.

It's like people who can't get their homework done or can't do one thing or another. It's just like that. I just can't let things just happen. Nothing just happens; I have to help things along because that's just the way I am...
And it would be so nice to find someone who could make me feel safe and confident when I'm not in complete control.

That would be incredible.
I can't find that. I found it for a moment, but I can't have that moment. It doesn't and cannot belong to me, it just doesn't work that way.
But I want it... I want it so bad and I don't know what to do with the pieces of my dreams anymore...

I don't know...

I think today was created to remind me that I have the best friends in the entire world.
I love you Sapphire and Audrey! >w< I can't even tell you how much the balloons and the cupcakes and the pineapple and flowers and my CAR and Gungrave and EVERYTHING made my day. <3 It was all a pain to lug around and I loved every minute of it. <3
It's just such an incredibly honor that you think I'm worth enough that you'd spend all that trouble making my birthday rock!
I love you guys so much I can't even tell you and I can't believe I'm going to have to miss you next year instead of spending more birthdays with you and celebrating your birthdays. T__T

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
And thank you again.
You freakin' rock my socks, girl.

This weekend I had an amazing party, I listened to and forgot the important message a demon sent to me, and I saw Juno. All in all I believe that qualifies as amazing.
What I didn't do was any of my homework or any of the writing I'd hoped to get done.
Today, after realizing all of that, I made a new desktop background and typed up a fanfiction story. Not productive necessarily, but I feel good about myself.

Well, all the excitement comes from the fact that I'll be turning 18 in about five more hours! I'll be legal. I'll be only a few more weeks from the end of high school and only a few more months until the beginning of my freed life. I'm really excited. Something has to happen, because the world is beginning to glow a brighter orange and I can see just beyond the horizon for the first time in my life.
I can see things for what they are on every side of the issue in a way that I still won't admit to, and I see a happiness I've never understood before.
I think that must be what the demon came to teach me. Through the screaming images he sent me, he tried to show me a reason to smile. I'm thankful for that.

Not much longer. I'll stay up to watch myself age a year and then deal with the tiredness tomorrow.
Life's beginning again.

It isn't as though there's a word, or a group of words. It's just a feeling... or a space where the feelings should be.
It's just a thought and a smile in the dark.
Letting someone know you care, and then holding the care back because the only thing in the world that makes sense, the only thing that matters, is this moment right now when the pages stick together in just such a way that no matter how hard you try, you'll always end with a happy ending.
It's just that beautiful.
It's just that hard to come by.
There's not a word.
It's seeing something and wishing another without the idea to back either of your wishes up.
In the end, there is no other way to say it, so it isn't said, and you go on believing that everything falls like a spoon to the floor with delicate sounds and flawless results. You keep on wishing.
Because the feelings are real past the skew in the rainbow. The way the air changes and the naked world connects through all the tiniest threads is real.
Even if it's the same thing as pretending, if the world would let it be alone, the space could close, and air would open up the hearts.
It's just as beautiful as wings, even when they refuse to fly.
It isn't the same as knowing.
It's removing the pain and regret and finding a new road,
No matter where that will lead.

I've come to realize
That teenage boys are like paper cranes.
They're beautiful to look at,
And seem so well made and strong.
But they're easy to tear,
Easy to smush or rip,
And even the smallest amount of tears
Will turn him into
A pile of mush.

I got a part in the school play "The Curious Savage" I play Mrs. Wilhemina, the head nurse at the mental institution where the play takes place. She's 24 and really the most mentally stable and morally correct person in the play. She's unbelievably amazing. T^T The reason she's there and all the beauty of the character. I'm excited about her. She does everything out of an unconditional love. It's an amazing story all in all. Mrs. Willie's the best though, if I do say so myself.

We also went to see the play "Our Town" today. Beautifully done. Beautiful. I cried. I cried at the end where George Gibbs (played by RC) lay lay down upon the grave of his dead wife. Q_____Q It was amazing. He's a good actor, but the concept was heart-wrenching. Completely.

Well, between these things and the knowing that I'm going to be leaving, it just seems that everyday I suddenly discover something new about the world that makes me feel like the way things are can be the way things are and I just need to find happiness. I've always been a sort of jealous person by nature, completely suspicious and deceptive. I didn't really realize it until some guy told me that he can't believe that I'm always so incredibly nice no matter the situation, and I realized that everyone has a false image of me. I like that image better, but I don't feel like I need to hold onto it anymore. My biggest fear is to be forgotten, but I have no problem with forgetting. I'm a hypocrite and it's gotta end.
Everyone has their own opinions of love, and I'm as far into it now as I've ever been before, so for me, this is love right now. Caring more deeply about someone than you can imagine an doing so unconditionally is what love is to be. Well, I have that problem, and I didn't tell him that. I told him I had a crush and I had to tell him to get over it. But I didn't. My plan failed and now I'm living another double identity because I can't not love him.
It's not something you're supposed to believe in.
Well, maybe I'm getting to the point where I can be honest with him, and be honest with myself. I've come to the point where I want to run and keep on running just to see how far I can go, but everytime I start, I know I'd be happier if he was running with me.

God that's sappy. >_O

But let's be honest. It makes me happy, and I'm happier being happy right now. I'm happier having the time to stand where I want to stand and do what I want to do and having no inhibitions. I dream about dancing, and I dream about walking, but I've never dreamt of falling. I wonder what if would be like to fall and be caught. Just for once to let someone catch me. I've never done that before. Not honestly.

I watched Sweeney Todd today. Beautiful movie. Horribly morbid and underdeveloped, but if the flow had been straightened out... it had SO much potential. It was a beautiful story all in all. I loved it. Gruesome though. But DAMN Johnny Depp made that part look hot. O___O; I won't describe it to you the way I would describe it to myself. Here's some images, but it doesn't quite capture it... so I'll also link you to my favorite song from the center image <3
  

It had so much potential... really. But the storyline didn't flow quite right for you to be endeared enough to certain characters, and it all happened very consequentially. The songs were intoxicating. <3

 I had some revelations about what love is last night. In the end I suppose that "Love" is just a thing people want, and the emotions and feelings that come from caring so deeply about a person that you don't really care how impossible something is, that's what it's supposed to be. It's true happiness from the most absolutely impossible, and falling is when you stop being afraid to do the impossible and it becomes an achievement.

And now I can't convince myself either way. I could be in love, but if I were, I'd care less than this.

Damn I'm ill >_> I finally had to suck it up and just eat, because no matter what I eat it hurts the same and I'm just getting so hungry...
It's like I have a kink in my esophogas or something. The doctor didn't know what it is and put it off as a virus, but it seriously sucks >_>
Anyway, it's put me in a crap and so I haven't been getting too much done.
I also killed my elbow while battling like Samurai yesterday. There's a bruise there that a person can be proud of, but DAMN it makes it hurt to move my arm. XD
So I've fallen to pieces. I don't know what I'm going to be getting done at all...

I went to a poetry reading yesterday. It was sort of... unreal I guess. It was so much fun and I think I learned a lot, but when I came home and tried to write in the style of some of the more experienced poets there, I found it didn't work.
It could be that they had really good reading voices and they're poetry sucks, or it could be that I can't write that style effectively, but it was really bad. I couldn't stand to re-read it. I deleted four poems last night before I was too exhausted to try writing more.
Well, it got me thinking: what makes good poetry? Is it something that's enjoyable to listen to? Yes. But that comes from a voice as well. It also has to be something pleasing to the eye and to the inner ear. It has to make sense and has to flow without being forced to do so. It has to be something that the writer is a part of, that they love and can relate to.
Something about poetry needs to be mysterious to be accessible I think, but I've found that very few contemporary poets seem to share my view. I think that if you don't know what it's really about, but it seems to be about something you can relate to, then that makes it a good poem. Is that right? A poem must resonate somehow.
I guess I thought of this because of the way the voices resonated last night. It was beautiful, but the words didn't all catch me. I wasn't falling into a land of words and images, I was falling into voices and sounds. Tangable things.
I know poetry has changed, but has it changed that much? Shouldn't you not sacrifice beauty for understanding? It can be accessible and not cut and dry. Not that anyone's poetry was, not even close. But if you want to capture a heart, how is asking if you can have their heart going to do it in a perminant way?

Our culture is changing. I believe that if I'm lucky, I'll see-or maybe begin- a revolution over the course of my lifetime.

Let's begin politically...
I'd like to express the fact that I don't understand why America, the land of oppertunity, isn't ready for a female president.
Sure, everyone's like "I'm not sexist" and I believe you. No one voting for Obama is sexist just because they're voting for Obama, but the excuse that "he's the better candidate" doesn't really cut it.
From what I can see so far he's going to turn out like Bush. He seems to easily controlled, his campaign is childish and out of control, whether he had anything to do with it or not.
I'm not saying Hillary is perfect, but you can be damn well sure that I was super excited about her running for presidency, not just because she's a woman and we freakin' need to start accepting women as leaders, but because I think she did a wonderful job, or at least tried to do a wonderful job as First Lady, and I think she could do more good as President.
Arguements go both ways, and I respect that, although I'll be in Washington when the next election comes around and I know I can always jump ship to Canada if the President we elect turns out wrong, so I'm not too worried. We've delt with the wrong president for eight years now. Eight more won't kill America, right? >_>
All I have a problem with is WOMEN saying "Well, Hillary Clinton seems like she might be too weak to lead our nation."
LADIES. O_O Please! Do you know what you're saying?? You're saying that the fact that she's a WOMAN and COMPASSIONATE means she can't lead the United States of America out of War and Debt.
YOU. ARE. CALLING. YOUR. OWN. GENDER. INFERIOR. >_<
Seriously.
I can respect almost any other arguement, but good god! That is NOT a viable excuse. Not anymore it isn't.
Also, anyone else notice that the only black man whiter than Obama is like... Michael Jordon? (I SWEAR it didn't register to me that he was black until like... last year. >_> And Space Jam was my favorite movie too XDDD) So let's not be like "We want Obama because he's black and we don't wanna be racist." because the only thing black about him is his skin. Honestly. XD Get a grip on the 21st century.

BEYOND politics, because they are silly...

I finished reading In Cold Blood by the wonderful Truman Capote.
In case you don't know, he's also the author of such stories as Breakfast At Tiffany's and many MANY others.
In Cold Blood is the last book he ever wrote.
It's a true story about two killers and the family of four they killed horribly in a small town in Kansas. Capote actually went to the town, spoke to everyone, and then he made friends with the killers (while they were in jail) and wrote the story. It was after he went to their execution (the first he'd ever seen) because they asked him to be there, and then he published the book, and after that he took heavily to alcohol and died at a rather young age having written nothing after that book.
Kind of amazing.
Seriously amazing book. It's taken me a while to read, but I'm very glad I finished it. ^^

And in Anime... I heard that a continuation of Death Note is being written...
Please tell me it's a lie. T___T
L died and the series went downhill. The ending was so HORRIBLE and disappointing that I had to throw things about in a violent manner...
The new series is supposed to star grown-up Near. Nice for the Near fans, but ALL my favorite characters are dead now.
I think I'll have to read it if it's true. Disappoint myself and probably commit suicide or something, but I stuck with Death Note for that long and I don't know if I can just not keep up with it... *sigh* I hope it's a lie.

I'm tired. I want to be alone for some reason...
I've spent too much time with other people and now I just want to be alone. I was writing when I was alone... if no one is around I have so much to say, as soon as they're all here, there aren't any more words and the world goes silent.
I can't tell you how long it's been since the apartment went dark inside my head. There used to be lights and noise and slowly they've gotten quiet and dark and we just sit and watch the stars sometimes but that's not enough when it's empty around you.
Tosharo left. I don't know where's he's gone. I thought he'd stay with me, but I can't find him. Raven forgave me for finding out about the part of his past he didn't want me to know, but he's not the same now. Nothing's the same.

I had the best day today. It was truly lovely! Sushi date and everything went smoothly and I got to watch Doctor Who. It was great! I was laughing and had a good time. I started writing a really good short story... and then that faded away...

Now I don't know what I'm doing. Arguing about something I don't care about since there's no point being made. This city's turned stagnant. I can predict everything about it now. I see it coming and I don't duck anymore... I let it hit me, and then when it hits me hard enough, I feel like I'm going to cry.

When is it that dreams come true for people? When will my adventure come? I've never believed that you have to work hard for everything. I believe you have to work, and you have to want something badly, but maintaining? If we weren't all such fools it would come naturally.
I wonder what would happen if I'd run away from home back when I planned to. Where would I be now? Where would I be if I didn't regret not leaving the house that night?
I wish I could run away. I wish I could do something that meant something. Be a rebel, defy the code, but we're not raised like that. We're trained to stay on a certain course and that's what we'll always do.
I can see the fence, and it's holding us all in it and those who try to climb out are being gunned down and those who keep people in are being praised. It's sick, and we've locked outselves into a web that's been dumped in a blender and it just keeps spinning and spinning around and around because we believe everything we're told. We believe everything we see. We're a nation or a world of idiots and it's as though no one else sees the fence, or those who do are like me and too afraid to bust through it. We could change, we can't let them tell us otherwise, but we won't.
We'll keep going this way until we hit a brick wall, then we'll stop, turn around, and do it again.

Because the world isn't run on sense. It's run on money and war.
It's run on making and losing in that order and constantly shifting.

We're being taught that we can't stand, so we sit and get fat and no one cares. People are happy locked up in places they claim ownership on. They're happy never leaving their front steps. You can't walk anywhere anymore because people are so terrified of death, but death has always been there, and we're the only ones who create it.
If you don't take a chance then you can't live. You can't live in the world today without taking a chance unless you're a machine and machines only work until they get old and forgotten.

The problem is...
If I stood up...
All the rules we've created would gun me back down, and I wouldn't be able to type this sort of thing anymore.

Freedom of speech?
Only when it's making you money.
Only when it's making the world some more money.

I've got a crush. A crush on Sherlock Holmes.
I'm sorry people, but he's amazing. T__T That's just how it goes.

I'm also OBSESSED with Doctor Who. 9th Doctor might be sexy, but the 10th sure grabbed my heart. XD Even if he does talk to fast. T__T The love between him and Rose is just too cute for me. T^T

So I missed a chance I could have taken...
It was him and me and the situation was totally romantic... If I'd just kissed him on the nose... because I could have. It would have taken nothing, and I didn't.
He knows too much about me. XD I always tease him about how I know too much about him (which I do. I swear ever third word out of his mouth is a lie if he's smiling) and then recently he's been letting me know that he knows about me too. It's like we can read each other's minds. He points out things about me that I hide from everyone...
It's eerie to be told something about yourself that you truly thought no one noticed. And especially if it's someone you like. Someone you know too well...
I could have just taken that chance and seen what happened. I've given up... what? 4? 5 perfect oppertunities now? When am I going to just tell him?
I am over him. In case you can't tell. I don't even consider the idea of us like... going to a movie. Or anything. He drives me crazy... we act like siblings. Really. It would be incest for us to go out. And he isn't even as cute or sweet as some of my cousins, so no chance there. XD Really. I'd date my second cousin before this guy. Any day.
But when we're talking... when he's serious... when we meet like that in that romantic sort of way. It's just weird. It's just a tremor under the surface, because it doesn't even reach my heart anymore, but my brain is telling me that I should touch him. I pinched his cheek and I should have kissed it. I should have done something...
Because if he never finds out.
And I leave.
Will I regret it?
Or will I forget him completely?
Because I'm good at forgetting things.
I'm good at moving on.
Maybe I just want him to know before it's too late. Because I did love him. And I still like him. Maybe. It's just irritating that I never do anything about it. He knows. I know he knows, because I knew, and now I know that he knows that I knew and that I know that he knew too. <_< Wow there. Sorry. That made more sense to me than to the keyboard.

I'm not scared of letting go. I want to leave. I'm just scared that I'll be forgotten and the pieces that I wanted to have tied up so tight will be left hanging like they were the last time.
Then there will be two places in the world where I no longer belong.

Don't you ever feel incredibly good about yourself when you thought you were going to be upset and angry at someone and then iceskating comes on and suddenly everything is okay because the cutest skater ever is a 14 year old girl who totally kills the competition and you're so happy for her that you've written a whole big run on sentence?

No?

You should try! =D

Anyway... back to being coherent...
I have a problem with assumptions. I know that's hypocritical because I just do them too, but seriously. When you say something to a person, you should expect them to take it to heart, for better or for worse. When you say something degrading about a character that someone's put a lot of heart into, they're going to feel hurt about it.
Honesty is the best policy, and critism helps people to grow, but really. Saying that a character's name sounds contrived just because you don't know that it was derived from the original use of the word and not from the common word that you know is stupid. Pull your head out, seriously.
And then there's Mary-Sues!
Does the world NOT KNOW what a Mary Sue is?? Because suddenly everyone has like... a Marysuephobia or something, and so any character that's pretty, or cool, or strong or anything just MUST be too Sueish.
Mary Sue is the character with the horribly angsty past who has lost her family and yet she dispells her problems. She learns magic and swordsmanship very quickly without the guidance of a master. She's incredibly beautiful and can take on any guy twice her size without breaking a sweat. Some guy falls hopelessly in love with her and he's gorgeous so she ends up with him after shunning him for her own reasons, and everyone in the world instantly loves her.
Mary Sue is ALL those things and a few more. She's not SOME of those things potentially yet weaved beautifully into the scheme of the story. She is THAT. THE PERFECT CHARACTER WITHOUT FLAWS. People build flaws into their characters nowadays, you know? Just because a character is beautiful and can kick your ass doesn't mean she's Mary Sue. It means she's Kitty and has a mental disorder and a messed up life that made her immortal and she tries to kill herself every couple of days. Yeah. Mary Sue saves the day without killing anyone who isn't evil and everyone loves her. No. That's NOT everyone's character.
So PLEASE! Whoever likes to go around reading sloppily written character bios that were only meant for the writer and then saying that the characters seem Mary Sue and then handing out quizzes to take so that you can see how Sue they are? Could you CUT IT OUT YOU MORON? It makes me think less of you. Seriously. <_<
If you have a problem with character bios without having read the story, you're a moron anyway and I can't help you. If the character in the story seems too unnatural, would someone point that out in the form of a question to the author so they'll be more likely to fix it? Thanks.

On top of that, can ANYONE learn constructive critism? I've met very few reviewers online who review properly. The PROPER way to critique someone's work is the compliment them first, you know, build up their ego. And then you present areas you had a problem with. However, you state it gently enough that they won't throw our your comment and cry themselves to sleep. You ask them if it could be changed because it was a bit confusing to you. Chances were, it was to them too.
Review smart, you dumbasses. Don't flame. It's not good for your character.

What else do I have to rant about? >_>
Nah, I'm good for now. I got my tea. I'm alright.
Thanks for reading. Goodnight.